Sorry about that last post being a downer. I'm feeling much better now. Some days just feel more overwhelming than others, I guess. But I'm back on the bandwagon of counting my blessings and feeling excited about all the good things in my life.
The radio show yesterday that I was worried about turned out to be pretty fun. it was "A Woman's View" with Amanda Dixon on KSL and it'll air on Sunday. Amanda gets three women on her show each week and asks them what they think about current events - and you don't get to know the topics she'll address in advance. I glanced at a few current events on the internet before heading in for the show since I've been totally out of touch with current events with my head in my computer for a month now, working on the website. But my quick glance at current events didn't end up including anything that Amanda brought up on the show. She asked about the impending government shut-down, Donald Trump's claim that Obama was not actually born in the US and that he should therefore be disqualified from the presidency, a recent statement by the president of the University of Utah that all Mormons should support the ACLU, whether Tiger Wood's shame will keep him from ever winning again, and whether we'd buy a wedding dress at Costco. I had to process some quick opinions on the fly! But it was good for me to use my brain in a different way and hopefully I didn't come off as too terribly clueless. I just had to laugh at myself. And now I'm up on a lot of current events! I listened to talk radio all the way home (the radio thing was in SLC) and resolved to stay at least a little more up on current events. I guess I wasn't too terrible - Amanda invited me back to do another show in a while...
I was on with Enid Greene (Chair of the Republican Party) and Julie De Azevedo Hanks (singer/songwriter and therapist) who were great to get to know a little better. What wonderful women. Enid got me totally caught up on the latest in politics and Julie and I found we've got tons in common with the training topics we each do and we're planning to work together on some things. Plus Julie's done some beautiful songs on motherhood and April and I have been wanting to find music that we could use for various things on our website. So all in all, it turned out great.
This morning I get to go record some podcasts for The Round Table and I'm so excited. I love talking with these great women and exploring what we each think about fascinating topics. Today we're talking about our perceptions on sexuality and body image - what we were taught by our parents, our church and our society growing up and what we now perceive. Should be interesting! The podcasts we do today will be up in a week or so.
It snowed all day yesterday and all night last night. It's beautiful this morning. But COME ON!!!
Friday, April 08, 2011
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Bigness
Sometimes bigness is exciting. But sometimes bigness is pretty darn exhausting.
April and I had a great meeting with our husbands the other night (we usually do meetings over Skype but they were in town this week and it was so fun to do an in-person meeting and our kids had so much fun playing together). As we talked and planned, the biggness of The Power of Moms was feeling very exciting. We've got media opportunities and several big Retreats coming up, our site re-launch successfully completed, excellent traffic on our site, new products planned, our first teleconference under our belt, wonderful Board members helping with many aspects of the site, over 70 authors contributing great articles so we can offer a new post almost every day, a quickly-growing email list, a book we've compiled from our writing contest that we're almost done editing, more people signing up to do Learning Circles, Bloom and Mind Organization for Moms every day, lots of new trainers signing on to take our workshops and retreats to moms in many new locations, people requesting Retreats in England and Australia, a great new affiliate program unfolding that will take our offerings to way more people, kind emails and blog posts from many moms who talk about life-changing experiences spurred by involvement with our organization. Jared and I are blessed with amazing partners in April and Eric and our hard, hard work for the past 3 years seems to be really starting to pay off with exciting, wonderful, big stuff that's really helping so many moms and families. Our dreams are coming true!
But sometimes, like today, the bigness feels exhausting. There's a lot more hard work to get from where we are the the vision of where we'd like to be. There are 100's of emails in my inbox and hanging over my head and a long "to-do" list to finish the preparations for the Park City Retreat April 16th. There's the radio show I'm doing tomorrow that makes me feel a little anxious. There are the many things I need to do to support and strengthen our board members and trainers so that they really move forward and hopefully take more off my plate. There are the articles I need to write for our Deseret News blog, the trainer materials that need to be finished, the chapters for the book that I need to finish editing, and the list of bugs that need to be fixed on the new website. And the need to somehow do all of this while meeting my family's needs. Exhausting just thinking about it.
I know what I need to do. I need to focus on the exciting and good stuff and not on the stressful stuff as I count my many, many blessings. I need to remember to choose faith over stress (like in that post where I wrote about how faith is the opposite of stress). I need to prayerfully figure out what is most important to accomplish while my kids are at school, then do a better job of putting work out of my head and being really present for my kids in the afternoons and for my husband in the evenings (we end up working on Power of Moms stuff all the time and while having a shared project is great in many ways, it's hard too). But these things are so much easier said than done!
I know things will be OK. Someday, hopefully, Power of Moms will be humming along nicely without so much of my blood, sweat and tears involved. But today I'm feeling overwhelmed. And maybe this post will help someone out there who feels stressed and overburdened. Life is hard. I accept that. And acceptance helps. And planning helps. And prioritizing helps. And praying helps. But sometimes it's still just hard.
Maybe if winter would just be over that would help... Seriously, it's April! Enough is enough!
April and I had a great meeting with our husbands the other night (we usually do meetings over Skype but they were in town this week and it was so fun to do an in-person meeting and our kids had so much fun playing together). As we talked and planned, the biggness of The Power of Moms was feeling very exciting. We've got media opportunities and several big Retreats coming up, our site re-launch successfully completed, excellent traffic on our site, new products planned, our first teleconference under our belt, wonderful Board members helping with many aspects of the site, over 70 authors contributing great articles so we can offer a new post almost every day, a quickly-growing email list, a book we've compiled from our writing contest that we're almost done editing, more people signing up to do Learning Circles, Bloom and Mind Organization for Moms every day, lots of new trainers signing on to take our workshops and retreats to moms in many new locations, people requesting Retreats in England and Australia, a great new affiliate program unfolding that will take our offerings to way more people, kind emails and blog posts from many moms who talk about life-changing experiences spurred by involvement with our organization. Jared and I are blessed with amazing partners in April and Eric and our hard, hard work for the past 3 years seems to be really starting to pay off with exciting, wonderful, big stuff that's really helping so many moms and families. Our dreams are coming true!
But sometimes, like today, the bigness feels exhausting. There's a lot more hard work to get from where we are the the vision of where we'd like to be. There are 100's of emails in my inbox and hanging over my head and a long "to-do" list to finish the preparations for the Park City Retreat April 16th. There's the radio show I'm doing tomorrow that makes me feel a little anxious. There are the many things I need to do to support and strengthen our board members and trainers so that they really move forward and hopefully take more off my plate. There are the articles I need to write for our Deseret News blog, the trainer materials that need to be finished, the chapters for the book that I need to finish editing, and the list of bugs that need to be fixed on the new website. And the need to somehow do all of this while meeting my family's needs. Exhausting just thinking about it.
I know what I need to do. I need to focus on the exciting and good stuff and not on the stressful stuff as I count my many, many blessings. I need to remember to choose faith over stress (like in that post where I wrote about how faith is the opposite of stress). I need to prayerfully figure out what is most important to accomplish while my kids are at school, then do a better job of putting work out of my head and being really present for my kids in the afternoons and for my husband in the evenings (we end up working on Power of Moms stuff all the time and while having a shared project is great in many ways, it's hard too). But these things are so much easier said than done!
I know things will be OK. Someday, hopefully, Power of Moms will be humming along nicely without so much of my blood, sweat and tears involved. But today I'm feeling overwhelmed. And maybe this post will help someone out there who feels stressed and overburdened. Life is hard. I accept that. And acceptance helps. And planning helps. And prioritizing helps. And praying helps. But sometimes it's still just hard.
Maybe if winter would just be over that would help... Seriously, it's April! Enough is enough!
Monday, April 04, 2011
General Conference
I love General Conference. Twice a year, it's such a pleasure to do something so different for church and devote a whole weekend to gospel learning and growth as a family. I love how we usually spend one of the Saturday sessions working on a project together - busy hands, listening ears, open minds (this year we were out in the back yard, putting down new top-soil and grass seed while conference blasted from the car radio). I love how we get to stay home all day on General Conference Sundays and watch church in our PJ's while we snuggle together on the couch. I love talking about what we're hearing during the speeches (can't really do that in church without being disruptive).
After what feels like non-stop busyness for months, it was such a pleasure to relax together as a family right here in our home for pretty much two full days while listening to uplifting and inspired words from wonderful men and women who've devoted their lives to serving God and serving their fellow men. They're the first to admit that they're far from perfect, but I'd say the general authorities of our church are saints. Some of them say things in a way that totally clicks with me and others don't, but there's something I can learn from every single speech if I listen with an open mind and heart. And whether or not the way they say things or the messages they choose really resonates with me, I appreciate and admire their devotion and efforts and goodness with all my heart.
Anyway, after years of struggling to get just a bit out of conference while juggling babies and toddlers and trying to keep little kids busy with appropriate activities, we're finally in a place in our family now where everyone is truly getting something out of the experience. When we turned on the TV and the sounds of the Tabernacle choir filled the house, without even being asked, the twins went and got some quiet building toys and the three older kids sat down armed with pencils and papers to take notes. Wow - they get it! Maybe all those years of struggling to help kids see the beauty and importance of all this actually do pay off!
Here are some of the great notes the big kids took this weekend - I love how they captured the essence of the speeches so well and it's so gratifying as a mother to see that they're getting this stuff and they're valuing it.
Here are some of Isaac's notes (he's 9). He went with a picture and a one-sentence summary - most of which turned out to be quite pithy. Here are a few of his statements so you don't kill your neck trying to read them all (I kept Isaac's spelling):
(sorry it's sideways - can't figure out any way to fix it!)
Here are Ashton's notes from Sunday. He was a little less enthusiastic about the whole note-taking thing but when I'd ask him if he was sleeping, he'd always come up with something great that he'd just heard. I think he did a great job of capturing the main ideas of these talks:
Here are 3 of the 14 pages of notes and pictures that Eliza did (she just turned 8 and is extra conscientious about everything church-related). This girl couldn't get enough. And I loved reading over her notes to see how everything came across to her.
After what feels like non-stop busyness for months, it was such a pleasure to relax together as a family right here in our home for pretty much two full days while listening to uplifting and inspired words from wonderful men and women who've devoted their lives to serving God and serving their fellow men. They're the first to admit that they're far from perfect, but I'd say the general authorities of our church are saints. Some of them say things in a way that totally clicks with me and others don't, but there's something I can learn from every single speech if I listen with an open mind and heart. And whether or not the way they say things or the messages they choose really resonates with me, I appreciate and admire their devotion and efforts and goodness with all my heart.
Anyway, after years of struggling to get just a bit out of conference while juggling babies and toddlers and trying to keep little kids busy with appropriate activities, we're finally in a place in our family now where everyone is truly getting something out of the experience. When we turned on the TV and the sounds of the Tabernacle choir filled the house, without even being asked, the twins went and got some quiet building toys and the three older kids sat down armed with pencils and papers to take notes. Wow - they get it! Maybe all those years of struggling to help kids see the beauty and importance of all this actually do pay off!
Here are some of the great notes the big kids took this weekend - I love how they captured the essence of the speeches so well and it's so gratifying as a mother to see that they're getting this stuff and they're valuing it.
Here are some of Isaac's notes (he's 9). He went with a picture and a one-sentence summary - most of which turned out to be quite pithy. Here are a few of his statements so you don't kill your neck trying to read them all (I kept Isaac's spelling):
- Elder Ucdorf: Jesus can send us to anser other people's prayrs. The best way to teach is being ing an example.
- elder david bednar: check and see if you've done any good in the world today.
- elder scott: play with your children more. show love. forgive.
- sister alrad: Jesus will not do everything for you. you will have to do some things yourself.
(sorry it's sideways - can't figure out any way to fix it!)
Here are Ashton's notes from Sunday. He was a little less enthusiastic about the whole note-taking thing but when I'd ask him if he was sleeping, he'd always come up with something great that he'd just heard. I think he did a great job of capturing the main ideas of these talks:
Here are 3 of the 14 pages of notes and pictures that Eliza did (she just turned 8 and is extra conscientious about everything church-related). This girl couldn't get enough. And I loved reading over her notes to see how everything came across to her.
And the winner is.....
Thanks for all the comments on the give-away post for my parents' new book, 5 Spiritual Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems. It was fun to know a little more about who actually reads this blog through your comments! Do me a favor and comment some more, would you? I'd really enjoy hearing more of your opinions on the stuff I throw out there and I bet your comments would be interesting to other readers as well.
Anyway, the randomly selected winners are:
Wendy Barlow:
"I was just on our Phoenix library last night trying to see if your mom's book(that I read eight years ago) Didn't plan on being a witch was available. It wasn't and I was sad, but happy because they had "The book of nurturing : nine natural laws for enriching your family life". I have it on hold. I hope I win cause I just love all that your parents have done for those of us needing good advice, who didn't have the best parental examples or who just want to be better:-)"
Melissa:
Anyway, the randomly selected winners are:
Wendy Barlow:
"I was just on our Phoenix library last night trying to see if your mom's book(that I read eight years ago) Didn't plan on being a witch was available. It wasn't and I was sad, but happy because they had "The book of nurturing : nine natural laws for enriching your family life". I have it on hold. I hope I win cause I just love all that your parents have done for those of us needing good advice, who didn't have the best parental examples or who just want to be better:-)"
Melissa:
"I have been wanting to get this book. We have baby #5 coming next month, and are always looking a for better ways to handle some of our struggles."
Congratulations Wendy and Melissa! And for the rest of you, grab a book on Amazon.com or DeseretBook.com - you'll be glad you did.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Thoughts on my Mom
I slept in. Jared's still sleeping (a miracle for him - he usually can't sleep in at all with those farm-boy genes he's got) and he needs it so I bribed the kids into being quiet a little longer with promises of cinnamon rolls (now in the oven - don't be impressed - my big part in the cinnamon roll-making process was remembering to get them out of the freezer last night so they could defrost and rise). I've re-committed myself to doing no Power of Moms work at all on Sundays so I actually have a few minutes right now to catch up on my family's blogs and just think (and enjoy the smell of baking cinnamon rolls - is there anything better?).
My sister Saydi wrote this beautiful tribute to my mom on her blog. My mom is so amazingly selfless and helpful and wonderful and it's her tradition to come stay with each of us when we've had a baby and shower us with love and help. Saydi just had her fourth child and described the experience of having Mom with her so well. Her words made me cry.
I think my sisters and I thought that the beautiful selflessness and competence our mom has just sort of popped out along with the baby when you became a mom. But now we realize, as we watch our dear mom, that truly great motherhood grows out of many, many years of practice and toughness and devotion and selflessness. And that, while we can strive to be more like our mom in many ways, some things that work for her might not fully work for us.
My sister Saydi wrote this beautiful tribute to my mom on her blog. My mom is so amazingly selfless and helpful and wonderful and it's her tradition to come stay with each of us when we've had a baby and shower us with love and help. Saydi just had her fourth child and described the experience of having Mom with her so well. Her words made me cry.
I think my sisters and I thought that the beautiful selflessness and competence our mom has just sort of popped out along with the baby when you became a mom. But now we realize, as we watch our dear mom, that truly great motherhood grows out of many, many years of practice and toughness and devotion and selflessness. And that, while we can strive to be more like our mom in many ways, some things that work for her might not fully work for us.
I grew up in a family where my mom was always busy - always. I'm the oldest of nine children so it's hardly surprising that my mom was busy. I seriously can hardly ever remember her sitting down - even for dinner - she'd be cleaning up the spilled milk and getting stuff for people all the time while my dad kept saying "Linda, just sit down and have dinner with us!" (rather than helping with the issues at hand...but he sure was great at engaging us in quality conversation at the dinner table!) Even while nursing a baby, my mom was cleaning the kitchen or helping someone with homework. She went to bed late. She got up early. She never took time to herself - I never saw her taking the time to do anything that was mostly just for her. She could do her hair in 1 minute and did minimal make-up in her rearview mirror at stop lights. She talked about how much she loved reading and slogged through many books with many of her kids to help them get book reports done - but I never saw her reading a book just for fun (until everyone got a little older, anyway). She certainly seemed to enjoy doing lots of things with us kids - she got excited about our history homework, loved helping us with our music and seeing us progress, truly enjoyed my brothers' basketball games. But overall, I grew up with a mom who never expressed any need for personal space or personal time and who somehow rolled with the crazy pace of 9 kids (while writing books and doing lots of speaking engagements with my dad) and seemed to be doing just fine for the most part.
When I became a mom, what I knew of motherhood came from watching my mom. I thought good moms never sat down and never took time to themselves and somehow were able to accomplish tons of stuff in their community and in their career while being excellent mothers. But I quickly learned that what worked for my mom wasn't going to work for me. I was quite shocked when I heard that other mothers took time out during the day to just watch TV while sorting socks or put their feet up to read a good book while their baby was napping. What? Moms can take breaks? Seriously? And that doesn't make them a lazy person or a bad mom?
So I've learned a ton about what works and what doesn't work for ME in the past 11 years since I became a mother. And while I may never be quite as amazing as my mom in many ways, I've learned so much from her example and continue to be inspired by her. Then hopefully someday, my children will be able to take pieces of the mother that I am and pieces of who they are and become the parents that they are truly meant to be.
Friday, April 01, 2011
Housekeeping
I don't mean real housekeeping - the only thing I can say about that kind of housekeeping right now is that I could really use a housekeeper!
I just wanted to share a few "housekeeping" items you might want to know:
1. I'm closing up the give-away for my parents' new book, Five Spiritual Solutions and announcing the winners (there will be 2) this Monday, April 3rd. Read about it and post a comment for a chance to win HERE.
2. Given that our April Power of Moms Retreat at my parents' house in Park City filled up quickly and we had to say no to a lot of moms who really wanted to be there, my parents agreed to do a second Retreat May 20-21 at their house - same place, same topics, same key speakers. If you want to learn more and get registered or know others who might be interested, click HERE and/or pass this link along. I want to give my blog readers "first dibs" on this.
3. My Power of Moms partner, April is in town and we've been busy. On Wednesday we got to watch a Learning Circle in action at one of our great Learning Circle Leader's homes while Studio 5 (a Utah TV show) filmed for an upcoming show. They also interviewed me and April. It was so fun! The show will air on May 9th. Then last night, April and I did our first "webinar" on Power of Moms - we got on a phone call with lots of other great moms and talked about how we can create some "me time" every day so that we can be the deliberate mothers we want to be while still getting things done and having some time to ourselves. Sound like something you need? The recording of this webinar is available for free to all registered members of the Power of Moms community. Just log in on the homepage (in the right column) or if you don't already have a log in, you can set one up and register for free HERE. We'll have more and more free podcasts, webinars and other opportunities for all registered users of the site.
4. I think it's maybe really spring time now. After living in places where there isn't much of a winter for 11 years, then experiencing 5 months of winter here in Ogden, spring is feeling extra, extra nice!
I just wanted to share a few "housekeeping" items you might want to know:
1. I'm closing up the give-away for my parents' new book, Five Spiritual Solutions and announcing the winners (there will be 2) this Monday, April 3rd. Read about it and post a comment for a chance to win HERE.
2. Given that our April Power of Moms Retreat at my parents' house in Park City filled up quickly and we had to say no to a lot of moms who really wanted to be there, my parents agreed to do a second Retreat May 20-21 at their house - same place, same topics, same key speakers. If you want to learn more and get registered or know others who might be interested, click HERE and/or pass this link along. I want to give my blog readers "first dibs" on this.
3. My Power of Moms partner, April is in town and we've been busy. On Wednesday we got to watch a Learning Circle in action at one of our great Learning Circle Leader's homes while Studio 5 (a Utah TV show) filmed for an upcoming show. They also interviewed me and April. It was so fun! The show will air on May 9th. Then last night, April and I did our first "webinar" on Power of Moms - we got on a phone call with lots of other great moms and talked about how we can create some "me time" every day so that we can be the deliberate mothers we want to be while still getting things done and having some time to ourselves. Sound like something you need? The recording of this webinar is available for free to all registered members of the Power of Moms community. Just log in on the homepage (in the right column) or if you don't already have a log in, you can set one up and register for free HERE. We'll have more and more free podcasts, webinars and other opportunities for all registered users of the site.
4. I think it's maybe really spring time now. After living in places where there isn't much of a winter for 11 years, then experiencing 5 months of winter here in Ogden, spring is feeling extra, extra nice!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A Purpose Beyond Motherhood?
I loved this article by Tiffany Gee Lewis. So much of what she said resonated with me.
In her article, Tiffany talks about how she struggled while trying to focus entirely on raising her children and how she finally arrived at the understanding that she truly needed a purpose beyond motherhood - something she could call her own, a chance to develop her own interests.
The article made me think back through my own years of motherhood and realize that while many of the things I've done besides motherhood may have felt more like necessary extra burdens than blessings at times, they were what I needed.
Since having my first child, I've thought of motherhood as my foremost occupation and pursuit. But I've always had other things I'm working on simultaneously. I worked 1/2 time from home while my first baby slept, finishing a training and consulting project I started before I got pregnant.
When that contract ended, I was due with Isaac any day and was feeling excited about being "just a mom" with two little boys. But then I got another consulting project offer that was extremely flexible and would offer some great income during a time when we really needed it thank to a "slow down" at my husband's work (they'd cut back his pay and given him extra vacation time at work). I said yes to the opportunity and spent several hours a week on the computer or visiting schools to do observations with a baby on my back or left the kids with their wonderful dad while I went off to do a training for a few hours. It was stressful - but it was also rewarding.
Then, before that project ended and while I was pregnant with Eliza, the bishop showed up at my house and called me to be the Relief Society President (head of the church women's organization). We had almost 400 women in our ward, many of them with serious needs. And I worked part time and had 2 preschoolers and a baby on the way. I asked the bishop if he knew we were expecting. He confidently said, "No, I didn't know that but the Lord surely knew it when He gave me a very strong feeling that you're the one for this job. But don't take my word for it. Please go to the Lord yourself and pray and see if you feel this is the right thing. You have a right to your own inspiration and I'll thoroughly respect whatever you feel is right." Jared and I prayed about it. It was right. I said yes and spent the next two years serving and stretching and learning in all sorts of ways.
Then when we found out we were expecting twins and I was sick and had to go on partial bed rest, I finally became "just a mom" and found my three preschoolers and my pregnancy and later my two newborns alongside the preschoolers to be entirely and completely consuming. I sometimes found time to shower. I read a little sometimes. I wrote weekly updates on our family's adventures. But mostly, life was all about motherhood and all it's magical moments alongside all its grueling grunt work. And all those wonderful women I'd had a chance to work with and serve in Relief Society helped me make it through. I saw how "full circle" can work.
But after about 3 months of total motherhood focus, we moved from the Bay Area to St George, UT. Packing and designing the new home my brother was helping us build became a serious occupation alongside motherhood. For the better part of a year, researching possibilities, making plans, working with subcontractors and doing work ourselves on our new home became almost a full-time job - alongside the full-time job of motherhood. It was stressful and sometimes I wished I could just give up the "extracurricular" activities and be "just a mom" again. But I got a chance to delve into the field of design - a desire I'd always had. And we were able to create a wonderful home for our family without spending a ton of money.
Once we finally moved into the new house, I found myself helping with way too many projects at my kids' school (hard not to when the school needed the very types of programs I knew so much about through previous jobs I'd had and anything I could do to help the school would help my own children) while still taking care of quite a few preschoolers, teaching them Joy School, getting involved in the neighborhood association - all things that totally supported my kids' and family's needs - but also all things that took lots of time.
And then I met April and The Power of Moms kicked in. The Power of Moms helps me be a better mom in so many ways - but it also takes a lot of time and thought and effort and perhaps some of that time, thought, and effort could be put towards my family if it weren't for the needs of the website...
So I guess I've almost always had a purpose (or several) besides motherhood. I've often bemoaned how things have worked out and expressed that I wish I could "just be a mom" and enjoy motherhood more. At these moments, my husband is always quick to say "You'd go crazy - you need other things too." He's probably right.
But I know moms who are able to focus entirely on motherhood and derive great pleasure from this focus.
Or do I? As I think about it further, the totally-motherhood-focused moms I was thinking of do have pursuits and purposes that aren't completely child-rearing focused. One mom keeps an immaculate house and does a wonderful job with her calling working with the youth organization at church. Another keeps up a beautiful blog complete with wonderful (and surely time-consuming) photography. Another homeschools her children and spends lots of time planning lessons and mentoring other homeschooling moms. Another is really into cooking and spends many hours each week trying new, complicated and delicious recipes.
So is there any such thing as being "just a mom"? Don't we all have various purposes and pursuits alongside motherhood (that change and evolve as our motherhood needs change and evolve)?
Do all moms need an outlet, a chance to develop their personal interests and talents?
Is it OK for moms to admit that they want and need something besides motherhood?
In her article, Tiffany talks about how she struggled while trying to focus entirely on raising her children and how she finally arrived at the understanding that she truly needed a purpose beyond motherhood - something she could call her own, a chance to develop her own interests.
The article made me think back through my own years of motherhood and realize that while many of the things I've done besides motherhood may have felt more like necessary extra burdens than blessings at times, they were what I needed.
Since having my first child, I've thought of motherhood as my foremost occupation and pursuit. But I've always had other things I'm working on simultaneously. I worked 1/2 time from home while my first baby slept, finishing a training and consulting project I started before I got pregnant.
When that contract ended, I was due with Isaac any day and was feeling excited about being "just a mom" with two little boys. But then I got another consulting project offer that was extremely flexible and would offer some great income during a time when we really needed it thank to a "slow down" at my husband's work (they'd cut back his pay and given him extra vacation time at work). I said yes to the opportunity and spent several hours a week on the computer or visiting schools to do observations with a baby on my back or left the kids with their wonderful dad while I went off to do a training for a few hours. It was stressful - but it was also rewarding.
Then, before that project ended and while I was pregnant with Eliza, the bishop showed up at my house and called me to be the Relief Society President (head of the church women's organization). We had almost 400 women in our ward, many of them with serious needs. And I worked part time and had 2 preschoolers and a baby on the way. I asked the bishop if he knew we were expecting. He confidently said, "No, I didn't know that but the Lord surely knew it when He gave me a very strong feeling that you're the one for this job. But don't take my word for it. Please go to the Lord yourself and pray and see if you feel this is the right thing. You have a right to your own inspiration and I'll thoroughly respect whatever you feel is right." Jared and I prayed about it. It was right. I said yes and spent the next two years serving and stretching and learning in all sorts of ways.
Then when we found out we were expecting twins and I was sick and had to go on partial bed rest, I finally became "just a mom" and found my three preschoolers and my pregnancy and later my two newborns alongside the preschoolers to be entirely and completely consuming. I sometimes found time to shower. I read a little sometimes. I wrote weekly updates on our family's adventures. But mostly, life was all about motherhood and all it's magical moments alongside all its grueling grunt work. And all those wonderful women I'd had a chance to work with and serve in Relief Society helped me make it through. I saw how "full circle" can work.
But after about 3 months of total motherhood focus, we moved from the Bay Area to St George, UT. Packing and designing the new home my brother was helping us build became a serious occupation alongside motherhood. For the better part of a year, researching possibilities, making plans, working with subcontractors and doing work ourselves on our new home became almost a full-time job - alongside the full-time job of motherhood. It was stressful and sometimes I wished I could just give up the "extracurricular" activities and be "just a mom" again. But I got a chance to delve into the field of design - a desire I'd always had. And we were able to create a wonderful home for our family without spending a ton of money.
Once we finally moved into the new house, I found myself helping with way too many projects at my kids' school (hard not to when the school needed the very types of programs I knew so much about through previous jobs I'd had and anything I could do to help the school would help my own children) while still taking care of quite a few preschoolers, teaching them Joy School, getting involved in the neighborhood association - all things that totally supported my kids' and family's needs - but also all things that took lots of time.
And then I met April and The Power of Moms kicked in. The Power of Moms helps me be a better mom in so many ways - but it also takes a lot of time and thought and effort and perhaps some of that time, thought, and effort could be put towards my family if it weren't for the needs of the website...
So I guess I've almost always had a purpose (or several) besides motherhood. I've often bemoaned how things have worked out and expressed that I wish I could "just be a mom" and enjoy motherhood more. At these moments, my husband is always quick to say "You'd go crazy - you need other things too." He's probably right.
But I know moms who are able to focus entirely on motherhood and derive great pleasure from this focus.
Or do I? As I think about it further, the totally-motherhood-focused moms I was thinking of do have pursuits and purposes that aren't completely child-rearing focused. One mom keeps an immaculate house and does a wonderful job with her calling working with the youth organization at church. Another keeps up a beautiful blog complete with wonderful (and surely time-consuming) photography. Another homeschools her children and spends lots of time planning lessons and mentoring other homeschooling moms. Another is really into cooking and spends many hours each week trying new, complicated and delicious recipes.
So is there any such thing as being "just a mom"? Don't we all have various purposes and pursuits alongside motherhood (that change and evolve as our motherhood needs change and evolve)?
Do all moms need an outlet, a chance to develop their personal interests and talents?
Is it OK for moms to admit that they want and need something besides motherhood?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sibling Connections
My amazing sister Saydi had her forth baby last week. I loved hearing all about the birth story (you can read about it HERE if you want - she's into natural childbirth like me and she describes it so beautifully - it's just something that works really well for both of us - thanks for those fast-labor genes, mom). And I loved seeing the beautiful photos she took of her sweet older kids meeting their new baby brothers HERE (Saydi's an amazing photographer).
Saydi's words and photos filled me with nostalgia. What an amazing thing it is to grow a baby! What a crazy beautiful painful thing it is to go through labor and childbirth! What a thrilling thing it is to see and hold your own baby for the first time!
And what a gorgeous thing it is to see your older children meet a new sibling for the first time. Some of my very fondest memories involve my older kids meeting their new baby sibling at the hospital. A lot of the labor and delivery becomes a blur in my mind - the pain and the suspense and the uncertainty can make things almost too intense to remember fully. But a few hours later when the older kids would come to the hospital to meet their new sibling, I was ready to really enjoy the moment - and capture bits of it on film.
I'll never forget how Ashton, my 18 month old who'd shown not a bit of interest in any of the babies we'd tried to show him to prepare him for his new brother, reached out his chubby little arms for Isaac and held him tight, instinctively rocking him back and forth with his cheek pressed to his newborn brother's downy head.
I'll never forget how Isaac was so bothered that the clunky cast on his arm prevented him from holding his baby sister Eliza the way he desperately wanted to or how Ashton smiled at her with the kindest, sweetest smile I've ever seen and held her like a pro (I'm not sure where my best photos are on this sibling meeting - but here's the one photo I had handy.)
I'll never forget Ashton and Isaac's wonder and joy upon meeting Oliver and Silas - or Eliza's uncertainty quickly giving way to interest and then delight. They loved that their tiny brothers were doll-sized and were fascinated by their sameness.
I love those moments of connection - or what seems to surely be re-connection. I love seeing the beginning of a relationship that will surely have its ups and downs but that is rooted in love, pure love. I love giving my children one of the most precious gifts they'll ever get - a sibling.
Ashton and Isaac get to look at the photo of their first meeting quite a bit. I've found that when a couple of these dear children of mine get into a tiff, it helps to sit them down to look at a photo of them together long ago and remind them that they always have been and always will be best friends. The bad feelings just can't hang around very well when you're looking at a photo so full of love and connection.
Saydi's words and photos filled me with nostalgia. What an amazing thing it is to grow a baby! What a crazy beautiful painful thing it is to go through labor and childbirth! What a thrilling thing it is to see and hold your own baby for the first time!
And what a gorgeous thing it is to see your older children meet a new sibling for the first time. Some of my very fondest memories involve my older kids meeting their new baby sibling at the hospital. A lot of the labor and delivery becomes a blur in my mind - the pain and the suspense and the uncertainty can make things almost too intense to remember fully. But a few hours later when the older kids would come to the hospital to meet their new sibling, I was ready to really enjoy the moment - and capture bits of it on film.
I'll never forget how Ashton, my 18 month old who'd shown not a bit of interest in any of the babies we'd tried to show him to prepare him for his new brother, reached out his chubby little arms for Isaac and held him tight, instinctively rocking him back and forth with his cheek pressed to his newborn brother's downy head.
I'll never forget how Isaac was so bothered that the clunky cast on his arm prevented him from holding his baby sister Eliza the way he desperately wanted to or how Ashton smiled at her with the kindest, sweetest smile I've ever seen and held her like a pro (I'm not sure where my best photos are on this sibling meeting - but here's the one photo I had handy.)
I'll never forget Ashton and Isaac's wonder and joy upon meeting Oliver and Silas - or Eliza's uncertainty quickly giving way to interest and then delight. They loved that their tiny brothers were doll-sized and were fascinated by their sameness.
I love those moments of connection - or what seems to surely be re-connection. I love seeing the beginning of a relationship that will surely have its ups and downs but that is rooted in love, pure love. I love giving my children one of the most precious gifts they'll ever get - a sibling.
Ashton and Isaac get to look at the photo of their first meeting quite a bit. I've found that when a couple of these dear children of mine get into a tiff, it helps to sit them down to look at a photo of them together long ago and remind them that they always have been and always will be best friends. The bad feelings just can't hang around very well when you're looking at a photo so full of love and connection.
Friday, March 25, 2011
If all else fails, just give up.
This was originally published on our Motherhood Matters blog at the Deseret News - but I thought I might as well put it here as well!
Did I really just type that title? Aren't we supposed to keep trying and never give up? The younger, more optimistic version of me would be appalled that I now view giving up as a viable strategy. It's not that I'm jaded now. It's just that I'm realizing that some things are not worth the fight and that I should save my energies for the things that really matter.
Generally, patience coupled with hard work and hope is a beautiful thing. When we go after our dreams with determination and grit, we often find satisfying success. But sometimes we may be working and waiting for the wrong things. And sometimes we patiently try to help someone else towards a dream they simply don't share which is a recipe for disaster.
Here's an example. I have a son who always leaves his stuff everywhere (I'm not using "always" and "everywhere" frivolously here). His PJs and underwear are always strewn across the bathroom after he takes a shower, and the towels never make it back on the hook. I'm pretty sure he's never made his bed without me standing over him. There are candy wrappers, books, dirty socks and components for his beloved Lego Mindstorm all over his room. His dresser drawers are always open (strangely - as he never seems to actually put anything in them). His coat and shoes can never be found when it's time to head out somewhere - and that makes us late.
I've tried charging him for each thing he leaves laying around. I've left bills on his bed: "I love you, buddy, but you owe me $5 for picking up the 10 things on the floor of your room after you left for school today." I've tried making him miss things to clean his room. I've tried "guilting" him into cleaning his room by explaining that he's really being a poor example to his little brother who seems to be picking up his messy ways. I've tried working with him to clean it up and really showing him how things should look when it's cleaned up properly. But I must admit that sometimes when I walk into his room right after I helped him clean in the day before and find a big fat mess, I do a little more yelling than I should.
I have been patient and helpful (usually) and have worked hard to help my son become the neat and tidy person I think he should be. But you know what? I'm realizing I can be patient forever and this wonderfully creative and intelligent boy of mine may never be entirely neat and tidy. It just might not be in the cards for him. Sure, he can and should improve. But perhaps my standards of cleanliness and neatness may not ever really work for him. I need to give up on what I think he should be and learn to more fully accept who he really is and who he's really meant to be. I need to decide what really matters and pare the list of neatness expectations down quite a bit for this beloved boy of mine. I can give up on some things, and, in this case, giving up isn't wimping out. It's being deliberate and realistic and loving.
Here's another example. My mom had a vision of a family orchestra. She had us all going on musical instruments at a young age. I took to the violin naturally, and my sister just younger than me worked at her violin as well. But my brother wasn't interested. He hated the violin. My mom thought maybe he'd like something more "manly," and he tried the trumpet, which seemed exciting at first, but after a few weeks of horrible blasting sounds and no lasting interest in the trumpet from my brother, we were all happy when my mom let him quit trumpet lessons. She tried to teach him a little piano herself – she'd been a music teacher before she had kids. No dice. I remember my mom sitting by my brother at the piano day after day, trying to patiently explain things and correct his mistakes. Each session started out nice, but piano bench battles between my mom and brother became a daily ordeal.
So my mom gave up. Her son wasn't going to be a musician, and while I'm sure that really pained her at first, she says she realized that her relationship with her son was way more important than realizing her dream of a family of accomplished musicians.
Sometimes patience and hard work is the right thing. Sometimes giving up is the right thing. Some things are worth the work and time and patience. Other things just aren't.
But figuring out which is which isn't so easy! Often it takes quite a bit of working and trying before we realize that something just isn't going to work out. And sometimes things end up working out on their own after we give them up.
Interestingly, today my brother is a musician in his own right. He bought himself a high-end keyboard a couple years ago and has taught himself to play - quite well.
Maybe someday my son will be a neat person. Who knows. I'm still going to remind him to clean up and ensure his room gets straightened every few days. But I'm not going to expect that he'll think of cleaning up on his own - at least not right now. I'm not going to let my desire for him to be neat get in the way of our relationship.
I guess I'm realizing that when we give up, we put our hopes and ideas and visions away and stop looking for them to happen. And sometimes, when we take the pressure off, things just happen by themselves. So perhaps giving up is really an ultimate form of patience!
Did I really just type that title? Aren't we supposed to keep trying and never give up? The younger, more optimistic version of me would be appalled that I now view giving up as a viable strategy. It's not that I'm jaded now. It's just that I'm realizing that some things are not worth the fight and that I should save my energies for the things that really matter.
Generally, patience coupled with hard work and hope is a beautiful thing. When we go after our dreams with determination and grit, we often find satisfying success. But sometimes we may be working and waiting for the wrong things. And sometimes we patiently try to help someone else towards a dream they simply don't share which is a recipe for disaster.
Here's an example. I have a son who always leaves his stuff everywhere (I'm not using "always" and "everywhere" frivolously here). His PJs and underwear are always strewn across the bathroom after he takes a shower, and the towels never make it back on the hook. I'm pretty sure he's never made his bed without me standing over him. There are candy wrappers, books, dirty socks and components for his beloved Lego Mindstorm all over his room. His dresser drawers are always open (strangely - as he never seems to actually put anything in them). His coat and shoes can never be found when it's time to head out somewhere - and that makes us late.
I've tried charging him for each thing he leaves laying around. I've left bills on his bed: "I love you, buddy, but you owe me $5 for picking up the 10 things on the floor of your room after you left for school today." I've tried making him miss things to clean his room. I've tried "guilting" him into cleaning his room by explaining that he's really being a poor example to his little brother who seems to be picking up his messy ways. I've tried working with him to clean it up and really showing him how things should look when it's cleaned up properly. But I must admit that sometimes when I walk into his room right after I helped him clean in the day before and find a big fat mess, I do a little more yelling than I should.
I have been patient and helpful (usually) and have worked hard to help my son become the neat and tidy person I think he should be. But you know what? I'm realizing I can be patient forever and this wonderfully creative and intelligent boy of mine may never be entirely neat and tidy. It just might not be in the cards for him. Sure, he can and should improve. But perhaps my standards of cleanliness and neatness may not ever really work for him. I need to give up on what I think he should be and learn to more fully accept who he really is and who he's really meant to be. I need to decide what really matters and pare the list of neatness expectations down quite a bit for this beloved boy of mine. I can give up on some things, and, in this case, giving up isn't wimping out. It's being deliberate and realistic and loving.
Here's another example. My mom had a vision of a family orchestra. She had us all going on musical instruments at a young age. I took to the violin naturally, and my sister just younger than me worked at her violin as well. But my brother wasn't interested. He hated the violin. My mom thought maybe he'd like something more "manly," and he tried the trumpet, which seemed exciting at first, but after a few weeks of horrible blasting sounds and no lasting interest in the trumpet from my brother, we were all happy when my mom let him quit trumpet lessons. She tried to teach him a little piano herself – she'd been a music teacher before she had kids. No dice. I remember my mom sitting by my brother at the piano day after day, trying to patiently explain things and correct his mistakes. Each session started out nice, but piano bench battles between my mom and brother became a daily ordeal.
So my mom gave up. Her son wasn't going to be a musician, and while I'm sure that really pained her at first, she says she realized that her relationship with her son was way more important than realizing her dream of a family of accomplished musicians.
Sometimes patience and hard work is the right thing. Sometimes giving up is the right thing. Some things are worth the work and time and patience. Other things just aren't.
But figuring out which is which isn't so easy! Often it takes quite a bit of working and trying before we realize that something just isn't going to work out. And sometimes things end up working out on their own after we give them up.
Interestingly, today my brother is a musician in his own right. He bought himself a high-end keyboard a couple years ago and has taught himself to play - quite well.
Maybe someday my son will be a neat person. Who knows. I'm still going to remind him to clean up and ensure his room gets straightened every few days. But I'm not going to expect that he'll think of cleaning up on his own - at least not right now. I'm not going to let my desire for him to be neat get in the way of our relationship.
I guess I'm realizing that when we give up, we put our hopes and ideas and visions away and stop looking for them to happen. And sometimes, when we take the pressure off, things just happen by themselves. So perhaps giving up is really an ultimate form of patience!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
An Excellent Book (and a give-away)
Last summer at Bear Lake, my parents watched our kids while my sisters and I spent a full day working on a book our parents were trying to finish - a great book about how the unique beliefs of the faith we grew up with (Mormon) can and should influence our parenting.
Our parents wanted our help looking at what they'd put together through the eyes of our generation and they were excited for us to add in the extra ideas and examples we could offer thanks to our own families and the things we've observed in other families we know. We had a great time discussing the beautiful truths we were raised with and examining how those truths affected how our parents raised us and how we're now choosing to raise our own children. What an enriching and fun day we had! (And our parents had a great day with all the kids, bless their hearts - win-win for everyone.)
Anyway, our good parents took our piles of notes and ideas as well as all their solid, wonderful material and created a masterpiece of a book called 5 Spiritual Solutions for Everyday Parenting Challenges. It offers unique parenting insights especially for Mormon families and it's now available online and in bookstores (Amazon, Deseret Book, etc.). But there's a chance you can get it for free right here since I get to give away two books. So if you'd like to have this book shipped right to your door free of charge, please make a comment and include your email so I can contact you if you're one of the winners. I'll announce the winners next week! Don't you just love free stuff? Especially if it's something that could actually change your life a little bit?
Our parents wanted our help looking at what they'd put together through the eyes of our generation and they were excited for us to add in the extra ideas and examples we could offer thanks to our own families and the things we've observed in other families we know. We had a great time discussing the beautiful truths we were raised with and examining how those truths affected how our parents raised us and how we're now choosing to raise our own children. What an enriching and fun day we had! (And our parents had a great day with all the kids, bless their hearts - win-win for everyone.)
Anyway, our good parents took our piles of notes and ideas as well as all their solid, wonderful material and created a masterpiece of a book called 5 Spiritual Solutions for Everyday Parenting Challenges. It offers unique parenting insights especially for Mormon families and it's now available online and in bookstores (Amazon, Deseret Book, etc.). But there's a chance you can get it for free right here since I get to give away two books. So if you'd like to have this book shipped right to your door free of charge, please make a comment and include your email so I can contact you if you're one of the winners. I'll announce the winners next week! Don't you just love free stuff? Especially if it's something that could actually change your life a little bit?
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