Inspiration for the Week

I stumbled across this quote today and it put into words an important truth that I already knew in my heart - but that I don't really do much about.

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes that weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspirations; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming. 

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What power we have as mothers! For good and for ill. We determine the atmosphere in our homes to a great extent. And the more we focus on being that durably calm, kind, patient, loving and inspirting mother that we want to be, the more beautiful our home life can be. It's so hard to be in a good mood when we are tired and everyone wants something at the same time and there are worries in our minds. But we can set ourselves up for success as we prioritize our sleep and personal time, say "no" to things our heart tells us we should say no to, build in one-on-one time with our children, and fill our lives with beauty and peace in place of hurry and worry.

A New Definition of a Manly Man

 I just stumbled across this photo.

(original found here)

And it really made me think

I'm raising four boys. When I thought about having children, somehow I thought I'd have mostly girls. It wasn't that I didn't like boys. I loved my 5 little brothers so much and thought they were wonderful and hilarious. But was a girly girl growing up. I had tons of dolls and loved wearing dresses. I wasn't into sports. So I guess I sort of thought that my inclinations might equate to me doing a better job raising girls than boys.

I was actually sort of shocked when the ultrasound tech told us that Ashton was boy. I hadn't had any strong feelings about having a girl, but I guess that I'd sort of assumed and hoped I'd have a girl first since I was the oldest in my family and I helped a ton with my younger siblings and it just seemed good and normal to have a girl as your oldest child.

But Ashton was SO much fun. And I was so glad to find out child #2 would be a boy so these two boys would have each other. I have to admit I was elated to find out child #3 would be a girl. I didn't think I could face life with no daughters at all. Then I sort of assumed that at least one of our twins would be a girl. It came as a bit of a surprise when they showed us two boys on the ultrasound.

Now, of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. Four boys and one girl is the perfect family for us. I love the special exclusive relationship I get to have with my one daughter and I love the adventure and rough-and-tumble of my wonderful boys. Plus, as I grew up, I came to embrace more of the things I would have deemed more "boyish" when I was growing up (like hiking and running) while losing interest in lots of "girly" things (I really don't care for shopping, for flowery or "cute" things, for doing my hair - or Eliza's - poor girl, ...).

I'm so grateful for my dear daughter (I wrote a bit more about that back here), but today I want to write about my sons. I love love love being a mother of sons. And while I thoroughly embrace their adventurous spirits and support most of the daring feats, building projects, and nerf-gun wars they enjoy so much and that make them what many would call "all boy," I also strive to nurture their creativity, their compassion, their love for art and culture, the numberous hugs and kisses the twins give me every day (Isaac's pretty affectionate too - Ashton, not so much),  their love for and understanding of babies and small children, and many other qualities that some people might consider more stereotypically feminine.

From the beginning, I've been very conscious of the fact that I'm not just raising boys. I'm raising husbands and fathers and strong men who'll impact the world around them through their kindness, their nurturing natures, their appreciation for beauty, their capacity for empathy and understanding, their skills with young children, as well as their individual talents in various areas of school and career. When we clean out their rooms, we talk about what special things they might want to save to show their children one day. They take pictures of things they're excited to show those future children. Ashton and Isaac are excellent babysitters (as is their sister) and they love helping tend little kids at every activity we attend, giving parents a break while having a great time with the little friends who adore them. They've been taught to cook and clean alongside their sister. And they see how great their dad is with little kids and how he always pitches in on housework and cleaning. Jared and I have made a conscious effort to raise boys who are well-rounded and who will hopefully be well-prepared to be great dads and husbands one day.

I like to think that most parents in the world around us are similarly working to raise up a generation of men who will be the best dads the world has ever seen while also being great husbands and great providers for their families. But why is it that still, when we see a photo like the one at the beginning of this post, it catches our eye because it's rare? Why don't we have more boys who are babysitting? Why is it a rare thing to find men teaching preschool or elementary school? I know the pay isn't great in professions that involve working with young children and that's a deterrent for men who need to support a family and I know there are concerns about boys or men babysitting or working with young children due to very sad (and very rare but often very public) cases of molestation. Still, I'd love to see us work out some of the real issues involved and move towards a society where boys and men's nurturing capabilities are more appreciated and there are more opportunities for them to enhance and share their skills.

Yes, boys will be boys. And I hope that some day that phrase will bring to mind that boys will be nurturing boys, boys will be caring boys, boys will be helpful boys, boys will be gentle and kind alongside being rough-and-tumble. I hope that we can more fully embrace a new vision of a "manly man" that includes a well-developed and beautiful nurturing side.

Here are some images of great manly men (and all-boy boys) in my life with little kids and babies, nurturing, teaching and loving:

Peace at Home

I've been home from Bali for a week now. Amazingly, I have been able to avoid my tendency to get pretty easily annoyed and angry when I'm under pressure. I've stayed calm and happy even in the midst of tons of work on launching our new Power of Moms book and lots of catch up with kids stuff and housework and groceries and laundry. I felt a little tired thanks to jet lag, but have you noticed that sometimes when you're a little tired you actually feel sort of extra calm? 

I'm realizing that I really can choose calmness over stress when I take a deep breath and remind myself that everything always works out OK in the end. My track record for surviving crazy moments in life is 100 percent so far. So I'm trying to remember this track record and stop feeling like its the end of the world when I'm in the middle of something seemingly insurmountable.

It's been great being home with our kids again. The twins hugs when I picked them up from school after getting home from the airport were priceless. It was so fun to show the kids all our Bali pictures on Wednesday night (we were going to do it Monday night but Ashton somehow ended up giving Isaac a slight concussion with the plastic handle on a foam sword so we spent the evening talking about safety instead...). It was so fun to share the sights we saw, the fun we had and the very interesting things we learned about Balinese culture. They had lots of great questions and comments. And they were pretty excited about the gifts we got them - t-shirts for the big boys, musical instruments for Oliver and Silas. And a Balinese dancer's crown for Eliza. The twins immediately started playing music while Eliza tried out some Balinese dance moves she saw in the videos we took. What a fun evening!

Of course it's not all sweetness and butterflies around here. The kids have had plenty of squabbles and my to-do list is always a little longer than is realistic or comfortable. There are a couple ongoing parenting issues we're struggling with that try my patience and hurt my heart. But I have faith that if we keep moving forward carefully and lovingly, things will work out in the end. I'm really learning how to relax more about lots of things and not care so desperately much about quite so many things. I'm realizing that worrying about so many things all the time is just not something my brain can handle anymore.

Right now I'm sitting in the lodge at Snow Basin ski resort. Jared is skiing with the kids and I am watching people making curvy zig zags down the beautiful white slopes and serving as "Lodge Mom" - I'm the gathering place and the snack bar and the cheerleader and I get to hear all the exciting stories of crashes and exciting feats on the slopes while they're nice and fresh.

Usually when I come up here, I try to get work done on my computer. The internet service is very spotty so I mostly just get frustrated while I'm trying to work. Today I decided to just read a book and type up this little post and catch up on a few emails if the internet happens to be working - no expectations, no pressure. I'm realizing that sometimes relaxing is the most productive thing you can do. I'm realizing that in the past few years I have not made time for relaxing at all really. And that has taken its toll on me and on my family. I've kept my brain so busy thinking about so many things I could have done better and so many things I need to do and so many situations I'm concerned about. I've worried so much about what I - and everyone else - should be doing and enjoying. I've realized that it's pretty hard to actually enjoy life when you're so busy analyzing it.

Permanence and Transience in Art and Motherhood

I love creativity. I love to see amazing things come out of people's heads and be transformed into reality. I love symbolism and art that is beautiful and thought-provoking at the same time.

So I was in for a real treat when we were privileged to attend the opening of a new art exhibit at the Weber State art museum. (Since the head of the art department lives next door to us, we get in on all the good stuff there!)

This art installation was simply salt on a polished black floor.

The artist, Motoi Yamamoto, came from Japan and spent a week painstakingly arranging salt into a masterpiece that can be enjoyed as a whole big beautiful cosmic thing or as intricate lace-like patterns.

In a month, the community is invited to come and gather up all the salt and take it out to the spiral jetty in the Great Salt Lake where it will be "returned to the sea." The kids definitely want to help with that - to be allowed to not only touch but actually destroy something amazing like this delights them somehow.

But the thought of this beautiful thing being destroyed is a harder concept for adults to embrace. We are attached to the idea of permanence. We want to make our mark, to build for the centuries, to leave our legacy. We don't like seeing our doing undone (one of the hardest aspects of motherhood is seeing our doing get undone again and again and again!).

Perhaps we adults need to learn to embrace transience and repetition more.

We're happy when we make a beautiful meal or cake and see it consumed. But when we make our homes clean and beautiful and then see that cleanliness eaten up by everyday life, we aren't so happy. When we get all the clothes clean and folded into pleasingly neat piles and then those same clothes end up in the hamper shortly thereafter, the cycle and repetition can feel so mundane. Sometimes it seems that nothing we do as moms stays done. But perhaps it's in the doing and undoing that the greatest things end up getting done. Our characters are built and our lives are shaped as we do, then do again, then do better, then do again.

Could we learn to view the cleaning, the laundry, the baths, the tuck-in's, the meals - the things that need to be done and then get undone and then need to be done again - more like Motoi Yamamoto views his art? As something worthy of our time and effort even though it doesn't last and will need to be done again? As something we can make anew again and again and find joy and art in doing repeatedly? As something that can be really gorgeous even though the ingredients and motions involved are quite mundane? As something that doesn't need to be permanent to have great value? As something that can actually be MORE special and wonderful BECAUSE it's transient and fleeting?

Here's a video of Motoi at work. Click HERE or below the image to watch. As you watch, think about the motions of motherhood and how they can be viewed as art.

Click here to watch: http://vimeo.com/68486340

The Habits of Happy People

I listened to a great Ted Talk today while on my run. Then my brother forwarded me a link to an article that nicely summarized the talk. The talk and article are about happiness, something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.

Here's the talk:
http://www.ted.com/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology.html (He talks about actual scientific studies they've done to "prove" what creates happiness.)

Here's the article by Kate Bratskeir that summarizes some great points from Seligman's talk:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/16/happiness-habits-of-exuberant-human-beings_n_3909772.html

Here are some of the 16 things Bratskeir says happy people do (pasted right from her article with lots of good links to further information):

They try to be happy. 
Yep -- it’s as simple as it sounds: just trying to be happy can boost your emotional well-being, according to two studies recently published in The Journal of Positive Psychology. Those who actively tried to feel happier in the studies reported the highest level of positive moods, making a case for thinking yourself happy.

They are mindful of the good.
It’s important to celebrate great, hard-earned accomplishments, but happy people give attention to their smaller victories, too. “When we take time to notice the things that go right -- it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day,” Susan Weinschenk, Ph.D. told The Huffington Post in May. “That can help with our moods.” And, as Frank Ghinassi, Ph.D. explains, being mindful of the things that do go your way (even something as simple as the barista getting your coffee order right) can make you feel a greater sense of accomplishment throughout the day.

They appreciate simple pleasures.
A meticulously swirled ice cream cone. An boundlessly waggy dog. Happy people take the time to appreciate these easy-to-come-by pleasures. Finding meaning in the little things, and practicing gratitude for all that you do have is associated with a sense of overall gladness.

They devote some of their time to giving.
Even though there are only 24 hours in a day, positive people fill some of that time doing good for others, which in return, does some good for the do-gooders themselves. A long-term research project called Americans’ Changing Lives found a bevy of benefits associated with altruism: “Volunteer work was good for both mental and physical health. People of all ages who volunteered were happier and experienced better physical health and less depression,” reported Peggy Thoits, the leader of one of the studies.

Givers also experience what researchers call “the helper’s high,” a euphoric state experienced by those engaged in charitable acts. “This is probably a literal “high,” similar to a drug-induced high,” writes Christine L. Carter, Ph.D. “The act of making a financial donation triggers the reward center in our brains that is responsible for dopamine-mediated euphoria.”

They let themselves lose track of time. (And sometimes they can’t help it.)
When you’re immersed in an activity that is simultaneously challenging, invigorating and meaningful, you experience a joyful state called “flow.” Happy people seek this sensation of getting “caught up” or “carried away,” which diminishes self-consciousness and promotes the feelings associated with success. As explained by Pursuit-of-happiness.org, “In order for a Flow state to occur, you must see the activity as voluntary, enjoyable (intrinsically motivating), and it must require skill and be challenging (but not too challenging) with clear goals towards success.”

They nix the small talk for deeper conversation.
Nothing wrong with shootin' the you-know-what every now and then, but sitting down to talk about what makes you tick is a prime practice for feeling good about life.A study published in Psychological Science found that those who take part in more substantive conversation and less trivial chit chat experienced more feelings of satisfaction.

"I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings," is one of the top five regrets of the dying -- a sentiment that hints at the fact that people wish they'd spent less time talking about the weather and more time delving into what it is that makes their heart swell.

They make a point to listen.
"When you listen you open up your ability to take in more knowledge versus blocking the world with your words or your distracting thoughts," writes David Mezzapelle, author of Contagious Optimism. "You are also demonstrating confidence and respect for others. Knowledge and confidence is proof that you are secure and positive with yourself thus radiating positive energy." Good listening is a skill that strengthens relationships and leads to more satisfying experiences. A good listener may walk away from a conversation feeling as if their presence served a purpose, an experience that isclosely connected with increased well-being.

They uphold in-person connections.
It’s quick and convenient to text, FaceTime and tweet at your buddies. But spending the money on a flight to see your favorite person across the country has weight when it comes to your well-being. "There's a deep need to have a sense of belonging that comes with having personal interactions with friends," says John Cacioppo, Ph.D., the director of the Center of Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago. Social media, while it keeps us in touch, doesn't allow us to physically touch, which harvests the warm-and-fuzzies and even decreases feelings of anxiety.

They listen to good music.
Music is powerful. So powerful, in fact, that it could match up to the anxiety-reducing effects of massage therapy. Over a three month period, researchers from the Group Health Research Institute found that patients who simply listened to music had the same decreased anxiety symptoms as those who got 10 hour-long massages. Choosing the right tunes could be an important factor, however, as a happy or sad song can also affect the way we perceive the world. In one experiment where researchers asked subjects to identify happy or sad faces while listening to music, the participants were more likely to see the faces that matched the "mood" of the music.Click here for a few of our favorite mood-boosting jams.

They unplug.
Whether by meditating, taking a few deep breaths away from the screen ordeliberately disconnecting from electronics, unplugging from our hyper-connected world has proven advantages when it comes to happiness. Talking on your cell could increase your blood pressure and raise your stress levels, while uninterrupted screen time has been linked to depression and fatigue. Technology isn't going away, but partaking in some kind of a digital detox gives your brain the opportunity to recharge and recover, which -- bonus -- could increase your resilience.

They get spiritual.
Studies point to a link between religious and spiritual practice and mirth. For one, happiness habits like expressing gratitude, compassion and charity are generally promoted in most spiritual conventions. And, asking the big questions helps to give our lives context and meaning. A 2009 study found that children who felt their lives had a purpose (which was promoted by a spiritual connection) were happier.

Spirituality offers what the 20th-century sociologist Emile Durkheim referred to as "sacred time," which is a built-in, unplugging ritual that elicits moments of reflection and calm. As Ellen L. Idler, Ph.D., writes in "The Psychological and Physical Benefits of Spiritual/Religious Practices,": 

The experience of sacred time provides a time apart from the “profane time” that we live most of our lives in. A daily period of meditation, a weekly practice of lighting Sabbath candles, or attending worship services, or an annual retreat in an isolated, quiet place of solitude all of these are examples of setting time apart from the rush of our everyday lives. Periods of rest and respite from work and the demands of daily life serve to reduce stress, a fundamental cause of chronic diseases that is still the primary causes of death in Western society. Transcendent spiritual and religious experiences have a positive, healing, restorative effect, especially if they are “built in,” so to speak, to one’s daily, weekly, seasonal, and annual cycles of living

They make exercise a priority.
A wise, albeit fictional Harvard Law School student once said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." Exercise has been shown to ease symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress, thanks to the the various brain chemicals that are released that amplify feelings of happiness and relaxation. Plus, working out makes us appreciate our bodies more. One study published in the Journal of Health Psychology found that exercise improved how people felt about their bodies -- even if they didn’t lose weight or achieve noticeable improvements.

They go outside.
Want to feel alive? Just a 20-minute dose of fresh air promotes a sense of vitality, according to several studies published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology. "Nature is fuel for the soul, " says Richard Ryan, Ph.D, the lead author of the studies. "Often when we feel depleted we reach for a cup of coffee, but research suggests a better way to get energized is to connect with nature." And while most of us like our coffee hot, we may prefer our serving of the great outdoors at a more lukewarm temperature: A study on weather and individual happiness unveiled 57 degrees to be the optimal temperature for optimal happiness.

They spend some time on the pillow.
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't just a myth. When you're running low on zzs, you're prone to experience lack of clarity, bad moods and poor judgment. "A good night's sleep can really help a moody person decrease their anxiety," Dr. Raymonde Jean, director of sleep medicine and associate director of critical care at St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center told Health.com. "You get more emotional stability with good sleep."

They LOL.
You've heard it before: Laughter is the best medicine. In the case of The Blues, this may hold some truth. A good, old-fashioned chuckle releases happy brain chemicalsthat, other than providing the exuberant buzz we seek, make humans better equipped to tolerate both pain and stress.

And you might be able to get away with counting a joke-swapping session as a workout (maybe). "The body's response to repetitive laughter is similar to the effect of repetitive exercise," explained Dr. Lee Berk, the lead researcher of a 2010 study focused on laughter's effects on the body. The same study found that some of the benefits associated with working out, like a healthy immune system, controlled appetite and improved cholesterol can also be achieved through laughter.

Origins of Pleasure

I really enjoyed this - it really made me think:

After watching it, I wondered whether one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much was because my dear brother Talmadge sent me the link and said he'd really enjoyed watching it as part of the Positive Psychology Masters program he recently started.

The origin of the video - it's recommendation by someone I love and its inclusion in a top-tier university's Master's program - likely made me enjoy it more.

 And my enjoyment of the video was also likely heightened because I watched it during the precious few minutes of me-time that I allow myself every morning after I get the kids off to school. When I get home from dropping them off, I sit down and watch a TED talk or a talk from LDS General conference or something else thought-provoking and meaningful while I eat my breakfast (I realized long ago that eating breakfast with the kids just wasn't realistic - I've got to be doing hair and dealing with tons of little details while they eat breakfast so we can be on time for school...). I ate my favorite breakfast of oatmeal, yogurt and fresh sliced peaches that I got from the Farmer's Market on Saturday. I'm sure my enjoyment of this talk was heightened by watching it while enjoying my tasty breakfast and my pleasant moments of piece after a crazy morning of getting kids off to school.

It's helpful to think about what really gives us pleasure and why. I think we're meant to experience a lot more pleasure than we generally experience in life but we don't really think about making joy and pleasure a goal. Perhaps if we set ourselves up for pleasure more, we'd not only experience it more, but we'd also be nicer people. Hmmm.

There is that scripture, "Men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:27). Is this scripture making a statement - that we were created to have joy and that joy is our right? Or is it more of a commandment - saying that we are supposed to seek out joy, to enjoy the beauty God created for us, to appreciate all that life brings us and gain the huge joy and pleasure that is to be had in gratitude, to prioritize pleasure sometimes, to work hard towards important things so that we can experience that uniquely wonderful joy that comes from achievement and helping others...

On another note, I realized I'm odd in some ways. If the origin of something I love is that I found it for a great deal and it's fake but I really like it, I think I actually like and cherish that thing more than if it were a really expensive original that I'd have to worry about the kids damaging.

I love this "painting" and I get tons of compliments on it when people come our house:

While it's a factory-produced piece (canvas with what looks like real paint applied thickly on top - nice texture and looks quite real) and I don't even know who the original artist was or whether he/she experienced any fame for his/her art, I love this painting. It's just really beautiful to me. But then as I think about it further, perhaps some of the reasons I love it have to do with its origin when I think of origin on a more personal level.

I've been to Sweden where my ancestors are from and when I first spied this painting at Ikea, it totally reminded me of Sweden and it's somewhat stark but sweeping beauty hit me just right. I was with Jared and the kids and we were visiting SLC from St George. I told Jared I really wanted the painting. He agreed that it was nice but brought up that we wouldn't be able to fit it in the back of our van to get it back to St George and that if we put it in the passenger area, the chances of it surviving a 4-hour drive next to the kids was pretty small. But with some tetras-style maneuvering, we fit it quite nicely in the back of the van and found it a spot in our house in St George. Then when we moved, it proved to be absolutely perfect above the fireplace in our house here - totally opens up the living room that is otherwise a bit dark and feels sort of smallish.

 So while this painting doesn't have beautiful origins of its own, it's developed meaning and history for us and therefore offers us as much or more pleasure than an original painting would...

I think that whether things in our home, the gifts we receive, the names we have and give our children, or the experiences we have come to us with history and meaning already assigned to them or whether we assign our own meaning to them, origin and meaning is important and does heighten pleasure. I know that when I tell my kids how hard I worked on dinner or even involve them in that hard work, their enjoyment of that dinner is definitely heightened. I know that when I come up with a gift or plan an activity for someone that has some history and meaning behind it and I share that history and meaning with the receiver, the pleasure involved in the gift is heightened for both the giver and the receiver.

 Just some random thoughts for the day!

Favorite Ideas and Links - Daily Learning Focus

After our MFME trip in Feburary and the resolutions we set together, I've been making a valiant attempt to carve out a few minutes each day to learn something new. I realized I'm so busy dishing out ideas and help that I don't take the time to focus on my own learning and growth. I've started taking about 10 minutes a day to read or watch something that offers me new thoughts and makes my brain really think. I've been watching quite a few TED talks and General Conference talks. It's amazing how much difference those 10 minutes make!

Here are a few favorite subjects I've learned about in the past couple weeks:

WHAT CHILDREN NEED
I re-watched Rosemary Wixom's great talk from Conference about how to build up our children and be kind but strong influences in their lives. Loved her points about being more fully present with our children and our lives as we commit to disconnect with technology regularly (that helped prompt the big promotion we're doing on Power of Moms of Screen-Free Week next week).

IMPERFECT FAITH IS OK
I love Elder Holland's talk on holding fast to what we know and standing strong until additional knowledge comes. Faith and knowledge never start out perfect. The size of our faith is not the issue - it's the integrity we show towards the beliefs we do have. Do not start with what you don't know. Start with what you do know and build on that. Here's the link to watch it:

MOTIVATION
I thought a lot about what really motivates me (and my kids and those I work with at Power of Moms and in other capacities) and how to increase motivation as I watched this TED talk by Dan Ariely: What Makes Us Feel Good About Our Work

Here's a little description: Why do we work and attempt to accomplish hard things? Contrary to conventional wisdom, it isn't just money. But it's not exactly joy either. It seems that most of us thrive by making constant progress and feeling a sense of purpose - plus we need to feel that our attempts are appreciated and acknowledged. Behavioral economist Dan Ariely presents two eye-opening experiments that reveal our unexpected and nuanced attitudes toward meaning in our work.

CHOICE, HAPPINESS, AND SPAGHETTI SAUCE

This talk by best-selling author, Malcom Gladwell (wrote Tipping Point and Blink) was very interesting to me. It was really interesting to think about what brings happiness is not something that can be named for everyone but that rather, happiness is brought by different things for different people. He guy talks about how revolutionary it was when it was discovered through taste tests that there was no ONE or TWO spaghetti sauces that made most people happy. Rather, people liked very different things and the spaghetti sauce companies learned to make a whole lot of different varieties. Interesting stuff. Here's the talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/malcolm_gladwell_on_spaghetti_sauce.html

HOW SCHOOLS SHORTCHANGE KIDS
And I really liked thinking back to my days at Harvard Education School while watching this humorous talk by Sir Ken Robinson about how schools are shortchanging our kids in many ways and how important it is to nurture our kids' creativity: http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

Schools are set up to produce college professors based on the curriculum covered and methods used. But not everyone wants or needs to be a college professor! We need dancers and artists and inventors and organizers - none of which is promoted by the current curriculum in most schools.

Scripture Challenge Finale - Favorite talk on the Atonement

So the scripture challenge I did with my mom and sisters is officially over (I posted something I'd learned through the scriptures or church pretty much every Sunday for weeks). And I won. Yes, I'm awesome. But I'm going to keep posting my spiritual thoughts quite a bit. Since one of the big reasons I blog is for my posterity, I want them to know what lessons I'm learning and offer them inspiration that could help them in their lives. Plus, hey, some of you readers seem to really like this stuff.

Anyway, as my official "finale" to my scripture challenge posts and as a precursor to Easter, I want to share my very favorite thoughts about the Atonement of Christ. The passage below is from the book Lighten Up by Cheiko Okazaki (was in the General Relief Society Presidency - our church's women's organization). My sister Shawni and I shared this with each other in letters when we were both serving missions for our church. It made me cry then. It makes me cry now. It reminds me that no matter what I may be going through, I'm never alone. And it helps me really feel the beauty of the Atonement in my heart.

We know that Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence as part of his great Atonement in Gethsemane. It's our faith that he experienced everything - absolutely everything. Sometimes we don't think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family that Jesus took upon himself. 

But we don't experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. 

That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer - how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced Napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. 

On a profound level, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy. He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. His last recorded words to his disciples were, "And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20) He understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. 

He knows all that. He's been there. He's been lower than all that. 

He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don't need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief. 

You know that people who live above a certain latitude and experience very long winter nights can become depressed and even suicidal, because something in our bodies requires whole spectrum light for a certain number of hours a day. Our spiritual requirement for light is just as desperate and as deep as our physical need for light. Jesus is the light of the world. We know that this world is a dark place sometimes, but we need not walk in darkness. The people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, and the people who walk in darkness can have a bright companion. We need him, and He is ready to come to us, if we'll open the door and let him.

Retreat with My Mom and Sisters - MFME 2013

I'm amazingly blessed to be related to each of these women.

Last weekend, I got to spend three and a half precious days with my mom, my 3 sisters and my 4 sisters-in-law in Laguna Beach, CA.

My mom decided to use the money her wonderful, frugal, hard-working mother left for her to enable us to get together for an MFME (Mothers and Future Mothers of Eyrealm) retreat at least every other year. The purpose is to get away to gain perspective, have fun, and fill each other up so we can be the moms and wives and people we want and need to be. (And this idea of my mom's is what spurred Power of Moms Retreats.)

Since we live in NYC, Boston, DC, San Diego, San Francisco, Hawaii, Phoenix and Utah, it's a trick finding a place we can all fly into with direct flights and cheapish airfares. LA proved to be the best option this year. And wow, were we ever blessed with amazing weather! the high 70's and low 80's felt heavenly!

We hung out on the beautiful deck of the very-cool eco-friendly house we rented (up the canyon about a mile from the beach), enjoyed the beach, ate at wonderful restaurants, made cookies (a must at an Eyre get-together), went for some great runs and walks, took turns coaxing great smiles and coos out of Julie and Eli's adorable first baby Zara, oohed and ahhed over the beautiful architecture, fun details and lovely plants and landscaping all around, and talked, talked, talked, talked, talked.

The house where we stayed:


Talking on the deck:

On a walk around the neighborhood:

Morning run and yoga on the beach:

Enjoying the sunset:

Talking on the beach:

Wandering around Laguna Beach and watching a parade:

Eating way too much yummy food: (and my dad popped in to surprise us for a few hours!)

TOPICS OF CONVERSATION:
We reported back on the daily scripture reading challenge we agreed to when we were together last summer at Bear Lake (and I got a prize - a beautiful candle - for keeping up with my reading and reporting on it every week on my blog here!). We shared our "best" and "worst" about the previous year. We laughed until we cried about things our kids have said and done and crazy moments we've each had. We recorded a podcast for Power of Moms about some of our most ridiculous "mom moments." We all read "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindberg and discussed that along with really interesting articles that each of us submitted for everyone to read in advance. And we talked about food - a lot. In honor of the fact that we're all pretty into food, Julie gathered everyone's favorite recipes from the past year and put them all together for each of us. Yeah Julie!

And we came away with a new challenge that we'll all follow up on each other about. Inspired by "Gift from the Sea" as well as many points from the articles we read, we're all going to set aside 10 minutes a day, one hour a week, and 3 hours a month to really fill ourselves up - to meditate, to pray, to learn something new, to do something that's purely about self-development and/or relaxation. We realized we all could use more dedicated time for just being rather than focusing so much on doing.

Here are some personal resolutions I made on top of our joint resolution:

I will take time to think every day - not just about what to do, but about who to be.

I will do something every day that fills me up and teaches me something new or reminds me of something important. I'm always pouring out and pouring out without filling up leads to some meager offerings and some serious depletion.

I will stop beating myself up about not being all things to all people all the time. I'll more fully embrace the great concepts in these posts that have really changed my thinking and actions lately:

• How to be all Things to all People (Get rid of guilt by telling people what your heart wishes you could do, then explaining what will actually work for you and what won't)

• Drops of Awesome (Realize that every little good thing we do is a drop of awesome that can only build, and cannot be depleted when we omit something or do something bad; realize that the Atonement takes care of the many many many drops it takes to go from our best efforts to what it takes to be what God wants and needs us to be)

I'll blog about what I really feel in my heart more and less about what I feel I "should" blog about.

I will stop trying so hard to suck the marrow out of every day and every experience. I can't really enjoy life when I'm trying so hard to enjoy life. Enjoying comes from sitting back, taking in, accepting what comes, loving what comes.

I will stop trying so hard to stretch myself and cover all that I feel I need to be covering. I'm stretching myself too thin too often and all that stretching is often not adding up to all that much in the end. As the instructor said in my yoga class the other day, "you can't really stretch until you relax. Once you really relax, you can really stretch." As she said that, a light bulb went on in my head. I'm trying too hard! I'm overthinking things! As I focus on RELAXING, not stretching, I'll actually be able to stretch in the ways I need to stretch.

Love this post by Saydi - she captured things so well and brought tears to my eyes:
http://bostonshumways.blogspot.com/2013/03/mfme-2013.html

Love this post by Charity too:
Eyre Girls Hit Laguna Beach

And on a much lighter note, here's a video Aja made. Can you tell that we couldn't hear the music? We just did what Aja instructed us to do w/o really having a clue what we were doing...But actually the words to the music go pretty well with our weekend...

Sun and Snow

An hour ago, I jogged home after a really hard but really pleasant Yoga class. It was sunny and the snow-covered mountains looked so crisp and lovely (in stark contrast to the smog that has been almost obscuring them lately). I felt in tune with my body and with the earth. I felt peace and joy.

As I neared my house, I thought "I guess the weather forecast was wrong. They said 80% chance of snow but it sure doesn't look like it could possibly snow today."

Five minutes ago, I noticed a couple of flakes flitting about outside my window and thought, "hey, maybe there will be a little snow today."

And now it looks like this:

This photo can't capture the swirling, fast-falling, thick flakes. It's a gorgeous snowstorm. And it materialized in about 5 minutes. Wow.

Isn't motherhood like this a lot? One minute, you think you're feeling pretty darn good about yourself. You've finished quite a few things on your "to do" list. Your darling children are playing nicely. You're living your dream.

Then, quite suddenly, things can change. One child needs something, then another, then another - and all their needs seem so urgent and mutually exclusive and then on top of that the phone is ringing and you haven't started dinner yet and you just remembered you're supposed to be somewhere 5 minutes ago... Your blue skies have been replaced by a snow storm, right before your eyes.

Maybe the trick is to see the beauty in the storm.

Isn't it the swirling movement of motherhood quite beautiful, even when it gets thick? Isn't it great to be so needed and so wanted? Isn't it wonderful that your life is full and rich and full of surprises and learning opportunities?

And maybe the other trick is to accept that no clear sky or storm lasts forever.

Once we accept that motherhood is all about change and acceptance and finding the beauty and learning in the hard stuff, things seem a lot better.

So when little kids get home from school in a few minutes, I know there will be a bit of a snowstorm going on in this house. Everyone will want to tell me something at the same time and the older kids will call and try to talk me into coming to pick them up from school while the younger kids need my attention (I'm going to cheerfully remind the big boys how close we live and how fun it is to walk in this lovely snow that isn't even settling on the sidewalks at all) and my currently very sunny disposition might get a bit rattled. But I'm expecting the craziness. I'll embrace it. And the storm will be beautiful in its own way.

What I learned in 2012

As a way of seeing what I want to do in 2013, I worked up this list of lessons I've learned in 2012 that I'd prefer not to have to learn all over again in 2013. These things are thrown down in no particular order and I'm sure I've left a lot of things off - but it's a start!

1.  Making specific lists of what I want each child to do and then taking the time to follow up and train and check and praise makes all the difference in the world when it comes to children actually doing what they've been asked to do. I've finally come to terms with the fact that even when you ask a child to do something repeatedly and give pretty good instructions, it just doesn't happen without some pretty serious hand-holding. And doing a job WITH my kids one-on-one can actually turn a dreaded chore into a positive relationship-building activity.

2. There's a lot of stuff that I really can't and shouldn't control. Let go. Let go. Let go.

3. There's a lot of stuff that I can influence with love and patience and suggestions that are offered with no strings attached.

4. I need to spend time outside every day (even when it's freezing and snowing). I need to exercise every day (even if it's just running up and down stairs a few times in my house or doing a quick jog around the block wearing whatever I happen to be wearing - changing into workout clothes and worrying about serious sweating leading to a need for a shower has been holding me back all these years...). I'm a way nicer person if I get outside and exercise every day - even if it's just for a few minutes.

5. I don't have to be C.E.O. of the world. I don't have to volunteer for everything that needs to be done or do a fabulous job of everything I said I'd do. The only job I must not pass up is the job of being mother to my children and wife to my husband. I am expendable in every other area.

6. I like running. It's taken me a couple years to get to this point after a 10-year break from running. But now I can honestly say I like running. It makes me feel strong and alive. It makes me feel OK about loving cookies so much. It gives me adrenaline and endorphins which I really need.

7. I need to spend more time with people during the day. Working at my computer for many solid hours while the kids are at school day after day isn't good for me. Going running or hiking with friends at least once a week makes me a lot happier.

8. It's OK for the kids to eat less-than-ideal school lunches. I wish I could change what kids are being fed in our schools and I'll chip away at that over the years. But my life is SO much less stressful when I don't have to worry about packing lunches and the school lunches are way better this year than in years past thanks to some new regulations plus they offer fresh fruits and veggies every day and my kids report back every day that they took and ate the maximum on fruits and veggies (still I really don't get why such grizzly meat and so much cheese and peanut butter and so many hot dogs have to be on the menu...). They get healthy breakfasts and dinners and snacks here at home. If some of that gross plasticy nacho cheese stuff and the occasional hot dog is part of their diet, they'll be fine.

9. Pre-teens can be huge assets if you take the time to really listen and to involve them as assets in your family.  If you don't help them be assets, they'll drive you crazy. (I wrote a whole article about what I've been learning about pre-teens here if you want to check it out.)

10. Hurrying is never fun for anyone. Hurrying is one of the biggest "joy suckers" around. Plan better. Pad the time I think things will take (stop being so optimistic about how long things take). Do less. Rush less.

11. It's OK to not be anxiously involved in something meaningful every minute of every day. Relax more. Go with the flow more. Look for and embrace serendipity more. (And refer back to #5.)

12. Don't get on the computer after the kids are in bed. If I do, I'll inevitably get sucked into something and won't have any quality time with my husband or time to read or do other things that ultimately are much more important than squeezing in one more reply to an email or one more fix on the website. Then when I'm tired, I'll start doing things that aren't even productive at all like shopping online for something I don't really need or looking at blogs I don't really care about. Do what I need to do on the computer while the kids are at school then be DONE for the day.

13. Do the first things first. I often do the second or third or tenth priority things first. Then the first things don't get done. When I take time the night before to plan three top-priority things for each day, one for work, one for my family, one for myself and do those three things first, everything just works so much better. (Whole article about that here.)

14. Read scriptures and write in scripture journal daily. I've been a serious slacker lately, reading just a verse or two each night. My life goes better and I find beautiful stuff when I read diligently and look for what the Lord really wants to tell me each night in the scriptures, then write a couple lines in my scripture journal about the messages I received. (See scripture challenge posts - tagged on right - will get back on track with these!)

15. I learned a lot about marriage this year - and I'm going to re-read this post that I wrote on our last anniversary regularly so I don't have to keep learning these things.

16. I have some really great kids and I'm often too hard on them. My parenting mantra for the last part of 2012 became "Raise the Praise, Minimize the Criticize" - but I need to embrace this mantra more completely.

17. When I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed, meditation can really help. If I close my eyes, totally relax and say my favorite scripture - Psalm 23 - over in my head for about 10 minutes, I feel remarkably more calm and ready to face the world.

18. Things always get better. Sooner or later. Even when things seem impossible, things work out OK. Stop doubting. Stop relying so much on my own power and possibilities. Have more faith and trust.

19. The house will never be completely clean. Parts may be clean. Clutter can be kept under control and basic cleanliness can be achieved with daily 5-minute tasks done by all family members. But a fully clean and organized house is just never going to happen. And that's OK.

20. I have a really good life. I am blessed. God is good. All is well.