The Good Stuff and the Hard Stuff Right Now

It's been a whirlwind of a week. But then every week is sort of that way. It's just the season I'm in. And when I accept this little fact, I feel less put-upon. Keeping expectations in the realistic zone helps life feel a lot better. And right now, realistically, we're going to have action-packed mornings as we get ready for school and afternoons and evenings as we run from cross country meets to Scouts to dance to rehearsals for the cultural celebration for the Temple opening and cram homework and dinner into the little spaces around everything else. Our kids are involved in less extracurricular activities than most - but five kids and two busy parents means we're going to be busy. Relaxing quiet time isn't going to be common. And that's OK. We'll enjoy it all the more where we can get it!

Highlights:

• Ashton made the volleyball team again this year and has been having so much fun with that. He's really improving a lot. He's lobbying to go on a special school trip to Spain in the spring and that has led him to work really hard on his grades and search out lots of ways to make money (he'll need to have straight "A's" and earn a large portion of the money if he's going to go). I love it when my kids have external motivators - makes my job so much easier!
• Isaac is doing great with cross country this year - came in 7th overall in the first race. He's being very responsible with his homework and grades this year. I loved watching him at Ashton's volleyball game last night - there were these cute little boys playing around near where we were sitting and Isaac started entertaining them - just making them giggle a little - nothing disruptive. I love watching him with little kids - he knows just how to keep them happy and their eyes shine with adoration for him. He's also become a junior coach for a new soccer program at the park right next to us - great to see him enjoying some soccer time while really helping the coaches with the whole flock of unruly kids who've shown up for this new free program. 
• Eliza ran for vice president of her school - and won! This is the third year she's run for office so her experience helped make this a much smoother process this year. While she did neglect to tell me that she needed to put up her campaign posters on Monday until Sunday night, we luckily had posters from previous years to flip over and re-use for her new posters. She prepped a nice speech totally on her own and did a great job. She loves being involved and having a leadership role. She had a great time volunteering with One Ogden at the Temple Open House (giving people directions, welcoming them to Ogden, etc.) and volunteering as a race monitor/crossing guard at last weekend's National Cycling Championships held here. She also just joined "Jr Junior League of Ogden" which will give her the chance to help with lots more events and service projects in Ogden. And she had a big dance performance last week and did a beautiful job. 
• Oliver and Silas are really enjoying being in different classes at school for the first time this year. I was worried it would be a bit rocky for them at first but they've had no problems at all and seem to each have teachers that really click well with their personalities. They are loving cub scouts and the easy-going little soccer league they joined (the one Isaac is helping with). They are just happy, fun-loving, active, super loving kids and I'm so grateful for them. They are conscientious about getting their homework done on their own (Oliver especially) and they are super into reading (working on the Mysterious Benedict Society series right now). 

Hard stuff:

There are always hard things going on with people in our ward and thanks to Jared being the Bishop and me being in the Primary presidency, I wind up seeing or hearing about or helping with the hard stuff people are going through. Plus the kids are great about helping out with quite a few things. They are so good about visiting this very sweet lady who lives nearby and who is totally disabled. Her husband gets her up and dressed and gets breakfast fed to her before leaving for work in the morning and comes home at lunch to get her lunch and help her go to the bathroom. Then he's home after work to care for her in the evenings. But for the rest of the day, she's sitting there in front of the TV, immobile, unable to get herself a drink or a snack, and really really loves having us come visit for a few minutes whenever we can and see if she needs anything. But we can't get over there as much as we'd like and I just worry about her. They have too high an income to receive assistance with regular home health care or other services they really need - but way too low an income to actually affort the services that would be good for them.

And there are about 20 other really hard situations going on in our ward right now - evictions, job loss, huge mental and physical health problems, abuse, neglect, marriage issues, substance abuse, depression, you name it, we've got it going on in our ward. Plus there are always issues of trying to staff and train all the positions in the ward that need to be taken care of. Plus there are ward events to help with and new people to welcome and on and on and on. Sometimes it's just so physically and emotionally and mentally exhausting! There are days when it all feels so heavy and my heart hurts for some people while my anger flares up where others are concerned. Then there are other days when I feel so grateful that our family gets to be basically serving a mission together - that we all get to work together to "lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees" (from a favorite scripture in Isaiah) and by so doing, we strengthen ourselves.

There are plenty of hard things going on with the kids that are personal to them so I won't share them here.

But I will share that we're really struggling with our mornings still! We've been back in school for over a month but still, every morning, we're dashing out the door late and I'm getting mad at the kids for dawdling and not getting their stuff together the night before like they're supposed to. We keep talking over what needs to happen the night before to be ready on time in the mornings but somehow we're just not quite getting it right. Isaac got all mad at me yesterday morning as I was frustrated with him for making us late. He said "I don't think you understand - when you were a kid, did you have to worry about getting the right binder in your backpack (they have an "A Day" and a "B Day" binder and they have to be sure to switch them out) and get your clothes from the day before out of your backpack and put fresh cross country clothes in your backpack for that day and get all your homework in there and bring your cross country shoes and your lunch and remember to bring Ashton's guitar for him since he rode his bike to school and eat your breakfast and do your hair and clean up your breakfast?" I assured him that I did actually understand and had to do pretty similar things myself when I was his age. But it was good for me to hear how overwhelming it all felt to him so I could be more understanding and helpful. I told him I'd do better at reminding him to pack up his backpack the night before so he wouldn't feel so overwhelmed.

There are some afternoons and evenings (Tuesdays especially) when everything has to fit together and line up perfectly if we're going to get everywhere we need to be in a somewhat timely way. And sometimes we're just going to be late for some things on Tuesdays. But that's OK. We just do our best. And the rest of the afternoons and evenings are more manageable but can still be really messed up if I'm not totally paying attention to the time or if I get on the phone or on the computer at the wrong time.

I'm struggling with figuring out how to prioritize the many, many things that need to happen while the kids are gone to school each day. There are always tons of things I could do for Power of Moms, for the kids and Jared, for our ward and neighborhood, and for our house (working on re-finishing our sadly weathered exterior doors and decks right now - huge project but I couldn't find anyone to hire to do it and things were really deteriorating so we decided to do it ourselves and I'm trying to chip away at a little a day). Plus I feel like it's important to take time to learn and to read and to exercise and to be with friends. I'm trying to do this - and it really helps when I keep up on it. And it helps to remember this quote by President Julie Beck, former president of our Relief Society organization:

"A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do . . . But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently." (to read her whole talk, click here)

But still, it's hard.

So that's a bit of our life right now! (And if you want to see pictures of a lot of what's laid out above, check out all the photos I've posted on Instagram here.)

Tinkering Towards Utopia

Wow! This back-to-school stuff has sure given me a run for my money!

Our second week back in school has proven to be harder than the first. The novelty has worn off and the kids are sure struggling with getting to bed on time and getting up on time so our evenings and mornings aren't all that peaceful and orderly around here. Plus Ashton's started early-morning Seminary (a religion class offered by our church) before school so I need to get kids out the door at two different times and that's pretty tricky. 

We've had talks about how to make things work better and I've tried everything from getting new alarm clocks for kids to fining kids $5 for getting to the breakfast table later than 7:10 and thus making us all late. It's a work in progress. And there's more rushing and yelling going on that any of us like.

But my 15 years as a mom has taught me that I don't need to throw up my hands in dismay and despair of ever getting things right when I'm in a tough patch. Tough patches and trial and error are just normal parts of motherhood and as we keep tinkering and tweaking, we get things sort of right and things get better. Then other things get worse. Then we do some more tinkering and tweaking and talking to make those things a bit better. Deliberate motherhood is all about getting some things wrong, learning from mistakes, making changes, forgiving ourselves and trying again as we move towards our beautiful visions of what family life can be. 

I read a book called "Tinkering Towards Utopia" for an Education class once. I can't really remember what it was about. But the title stuck with me. I think it describes very well what motherhood is all about - tweaking and trying and making mistakes and trying again as we strive towards the ideal. And then a couple weeks ago, I made this podcast with a friend and she talked about the importance of "tinkering" in parenting - so the concept has resurfaced in my mind.

Here are a few things we're working on right now:

The twins are obsessed with legos and with the book series, Mysterious Benedict Society. When they have legos or a book in front of them, they are in a different world and cannot seem to hear me at all. They're generally pretty obedient but lately I have to call for them for scripture time or homework time or dinner time again and again (sometimes with threats) and ultimately I have to go all the way upstairs (they're on the third floor) and hold their faces in my hands to get them to listen. I love legos. I love books. But we've got to figure out a happy medium here.

Isaac has been super lethargic and came home from school sick yesterday because he was so tired and groggy and dizzy that he couldn't focus on school at all. Plus he had a weird swollen bump on his foot that was making him limp. I asked whether something was worrying him about school. Nope. He loves school and has remarkably few worries. I looked up everything about infections and bug bites and ultimately we decided the bump on the foot wasn't related to the tiredness, I gave him a big lunch and put him to bed for the afternoon. He slept for about 3 hours. Then he seems totally happy and fine this morning. Another thing I've learned this past 15 years as a mom - most of children's maladies go away with some extra rest, extra water to drink, and extra TLC.  

It's so hard to get kids to bed at a good hour when it's light outside and the evenings are so pleasant. Everyone wants to be out on the trampoline and playing around with neighborhood kids. It's hard for me to get into the routine of dinner at 6 so we can get kids to bed on time. It's hard getting up in the morning so early when I'm just so tired. It's hard fitting in everything that needs to happen while the kids are at school so I can be fully present for them when they get home - especially on days when unexpected needs of friends or church callings or our kids or neighbors or extended family members come up (which is quite often).

The kids want to take home lunch every day this year and I'm theoretically great with that but it involves a thought and time that we haven't built in very much. I'm trying to get them to put together their lunches the night before but we aren't into a good routine there yet. And wow, there's a lot of paraphenalia the kids need to take to school this year - our evenings and mornings are full of finding and packing up running clothes and shoes, volley ball clothes, Ashton's guitar, signing kids planners, checking to see if homework made it into backpacks, etc. There are just so many THINGS to keep track of around here!

I was also really strugging with how many times we needed to drive kids to or from the school each day. Ashton needs to be there at 7am. The rest of the kids need to be there at 8am. Regular pick up is at 3pm. Eliza and Isaac need to be picked up from cross country practice at 4pm. Ashton finishes volley ball practice at 5pm. That's five trips to and from the school each day! Each round trip is about 20 minutes so that's over an hour and a half of time in the car each day. So we did some tinkering and now my friend and I are trading off on who does the 3pm pick-up and who does the 4pm pick-up (her daughter's also doing cross country) and I had a good talk with Ashton last night about the big picture of all these trips to and from school and he came around to seeing that if he rides his bike to school, he can get there almost as fast as we can drive there (there's a nice bike path that avoids lots of stop lights) and he can save us 2 round trips of driving (40 minutes of driving!). So now, at least while the weather is good and Ashton can bike, I'm down to just two round-trips a day!

On a more positive note:

Ashton has become a remarkably more pleasant and fun kid to have around. A summer full of positive affirmation from all the relatives we spent time with sure seems to have helped. He was so amazingly helpful with all the little cousins we spent time with and was always quick to help when anyone asked. And the more praise he received, the more praiseworthy he became. Watching this process made me realize more fully that this wonderful boy of mine needs to know that we think he's wonderful in a more pro-active and constant way. 

Plus he's developed some serious skills that give him lots of confidence. He learned to slalom ski like a pro. He learned to drive the beach car at Bear Lake. He found a real passion for guitar (he's practiced hours a day and has a reperatoire of over 70 songs now, many of them really tricky - plus he's become a super singer with his beautiful new low voice). And he just made the volley ball team at school. 

And he's just plain matured and so have I. I've learned to pick my battles and to give him a lot more freedom. I've learned to really seek out and listen to his ideas and concerns. I've learned to not react in an overboard way to overboard statements from him but instead to find the truth in whatever he says, agree with what is indeed true, and work with him towards solutions we both feel good about.

Sure, grumpy and moody Ashton still escapes once in a while. But we're in a much, much better place now.

And the kids just really like school and are involved in activities they're really excited about. They never complain about going to school. They sometimes wish it wasn't so early. But that's about it.

I realize this is a huge blessing. I remember struggling with anxiety as a kid - going to sleep with a stomach ache as I worried about the next day of school - had I finished all my homework? Who would I sit by at lunch? Would there be a test I'd forgotten about? Who would I play with at recess? When I was in third grade, I called home sick all the time because I was so stressed out at school that I really was sick (I had a particularly difficult teacher that year who was a real screamer). Because of my experiences, I was geared up to deal with some worries and anxieties in my own children as they went to school. I resolvied long ago to pull my kids out of school and find them a better option be that a new school or homeschooling if they really weren't enjoying school. But so far, nothing. Nada.

So anyway, I'll keep you posted on my tinkering as I move forward. Every family is a work in progress. No matter how perfectly wonderful a family might look from the outside, I guarantee that there is a lot of trial and error and tinkering going on in that home. And that's OK. That's how we learn and grow. That's life.

On Thinking and Worrying Too Much - and building in more time to just be

It's been a good summer so far. We've been busy and productive and we've had a lot of fun. For the most part, the kids are doing a good job with their "must-do's" every day (reading, writing, doing a job around the house, working on one of their summer goals for their "practice" point, that sort of thing - they have a chart to check off this stuff every day). It's like fingernails on a chalkboard for me to see my kids lazing around in front of a screen unless they've accomplished a few things that feel somewhat productive first so these daily must-do's not only help the kids to get some good stuff done each day but they also help me relax as they enjoy a bit of recreational screen time and a whole lot of just playing with friends and jumping on the trampoline and that sort of thing once the "must-do's" have been accomplished.

But I'm feeling pretty frazzled way too often. Between running kids around to the few things we've signed them up for this summer, helping them set and work on the goals they've set for the summer, overseeing those "must-do's," trying to keep on top of the added laundry and grocery needs that summer brings, and dealing with unanticipated needs of our ward (I'm in the primary presidency and Jared is the Bishop), I've only had a hour or two (taken in haphazard 5-15-minute snatches) to work on Power of Moms stuff. I've been able to get to the most urgent things. And I've felt good about letting non-urgent stuff wait in the interest of focusing on motherhood. But every couple days, I get super overwhelmed as I realized how much I'm putting off with Power of Moms and wonder how I'll ever catch up. Plus I keep noticing new things I need to do sooner or later - the paint on our windowsills that we did just last fall is already chipping off and needs attention. Our neighbors are getting some work done on thir house that we also need done on our house but the company working on their house that gave us bids simply won't call me back and it would be so nice and easy and perhaps less expensive if we could get him to do some of the same work on our house while he's doing work on the house next door.

Right now, Eliza is sitting by me doing some artwork after getting back from basketball camp and the twins are jumping with a friend on the trampoline after finishing all their "must-do's" but the older boys are likely lounging around a bit and I've asked them to do some stuff that I don't think they've done but I'm so tired of trying so hard to keep everyone happy and productive. I'm also tired of having so many "must-do's" in my own mind all the time and feeling like I'm always running and never arriving.

Anyway, some days things seem great and I know I need to take the way I feel today with a grain of salt. It might just be the time of the month or the fact that my jeans are feeling too tight and it makes me feel grumpy to be reminded that I've been eating a bit too much lately and should change that. But I've definitely realized that I've kept up an un-sustainable pace for many years and that I crave more opportunities to really enjoy motherhood and less responsibilities related to running a website that helps other people enjoy motherhood. It's a fine balance. I love Power of Moms and know it really does help me be a better mom and person. But I've got to do a better job of compartmentalizing my life, planning what is most important to do, doing those things, and leaving a lot more margin in my life where real living can happen.

I loved this article on Power of Moms:
http://powerofmoms.com/2014/06/family-time-just-show-up/

It helped me realize how simple motherhood can be. I need to simply be present sometimes. I don't have to have a big activity planned or be actively teaching the kids something wonderful. I just need to be there. I bet if I just go sit out there and read a book (the book the twins are reading and that they really want me to read with them - Mysterious Benedict Society - I do love reading but always feel like I've got too much to do to sit and read - but they say kids really need to see their parents' reading to be great readers themselves...) while the kids' jump on the tramoline, they'll want to show me some cool new tricks and I'll enjoy looking up from my book to watch. I bet if I ask my daughter if she wants to play duets together, she'll enjoy her practicing time and I'll get a chance to play the violin myself - something I do way too seldom. I bet if I go find Ashton and just sit by him, we'll end up talking about something interesting. I bet if I go tell Isaac he did a great job vacuuming out the car and ask him what he feels like doing this afternoon, we'll nave a nice talk (and we can bury the bad feelings that we had towards each other as he was being super grumpy about vacuuming out the car and I was feeling angry that he felt so put-upon to do this small job when I do so much...).

I realize I've been over-thinking and over-worrying. I need to think more about what needs to happen in the present moment and less about the things things on my to-do list that are looming large and feeling overwhelming. I've got to come to terms with the fact that I'm just not going to get a whole lot of new things done as far as Power of Moms stuff this summer. I'll keep up on basic things - but my ideas for new things and my hopes of doing the projects on the list will just have to wait. I need to be here - really be here - with these kids - for their sake, and for mine.

So there are my rambling thoughts for today... I'm off to hang out with my kids and follow their lead for a while.

Inspiration for the Week

I stumbled across this quote today and it put into words an important truth that I already knew in my heart - but that I don't really do much about.

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes that weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspirations; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming. 

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What power we have as mothers! For good and for ill. We determine the atmosphere in our homes to a great extent. And the more we focus on being that durably calm, kind, patient, loving and inspirting mother that we want to be, the more beautiful our home life can be. It's so hard to be in a good mood when we are tired and everyone wants something at the same time and there are worries in our minds. But we can set ourselves up for success as we prioritize our sleep and personal time, say "no" to things our heart tells us we should say no to, build in one-on-one time with our children, and fill our lives with beauty and peace in place of hurry and worry.

Mother's Day Portraits 2014

One of the traditions I insist upon every Mother's Day is a photo shoot. I have too few photos of myself with my chlidren (I'm usually the one behind the camera). And I want to remember what we looked like together.

Typcially, we do photos of me and all the kids together. But you know what? It takes like 100 shots or more to get a decent shot of all of us together. And by the time the photo shoot is done, tempers have flared, tears have been shed, and there's just not a happy feeling going on.

So this year, to make for a happier and simpler photo shoot and to emphasize the individual relationships I want to further cultivate with each of my children, we did individual shots. 

I love how these pictures turned out. The lighting and photo quality aren't the best since they were taken by various kids using my phone. But there were no tears or temper flares and I love looking at these photos and thinking about the individual relationships I have with each of these fabulous people who I get to call my children.

Ashton was only up for one shot (he's the most unhappy about photo shoots that take more than 5 seconds). But luckly, we got a good one - and he actually agreed to put his arm around me! (Ashton's not exactly a hugger.) Look at this handsome young man. He's passed me up in many ways. There are bumps in the road as we move towards more friendship and mutual respect and figure out who we can and should be to each other as Ashton needs to be more independent in ways that are tough for him and for me. I love how he knows exactly what to do when my computer or phone give me fits and I love that he's always got some interesting video or other tidbit from the Internet to show me or some wonderful new guitar piece to play for me.

Isaac is such a generally happy, confident, helpful, friendly and sweet kid. He's got a stubborn streak and is fiercely committed to what he thinks is right, but generally, he's one fun and easy guy to have around. And his braces are really pulling in those big buck teeth of his!

Isaac's still a hugger. I'm so glad he doesn't feel like he needs to grow out of that. And he's not too cool to call out "I love you" as I drop him off at school. I love that.

Eliza's always up for a photo shoot. And she has great ideas for cute poses.

I love that Eliza and I share so many of the same interests and that she still thinks I'm smart and cool (for the most part). I love her great questions about so many things and the good conversations we have. I love that she likes to tell me about anything and everything and that we can discuss all kinds of things on an ever more fun and meaningful level.

Oliver is such a sweetheart. Every night in his prayers, he says "Thanks that my mommy can be my mommy and bless that I'll always feel like I'm with her even when I'm not."

He's aways got a heart-felt hug for me and makes me feel so needed and loved.

He's so proud and happy when I come volunteer in his classroom. I love seeing the look on his face that says "yep, that's MY mom, and she's pretty awesome."

Whenever I seem stressed or upset, Silas is right there with his arms around my waist, telling me that he loves me. He's so in-tune with my feelings, it's uncanny. He's always singing me the special song he made up for me - "Mom, I love you so so much, I will never stop loving you."

I love his goofy smile and gappy teeth. I love his sweetness and his eagerness to please. I love how he always wants to help me cook and that he's so good at anything in the kitchen.

How blessed I am to bethe mother of such wonderful people. They teach me every day. They love me no matter what. They fill my life with work and wonder and make it meaningful and beautiful in ways I never could have imagined.

A New Definition of a Manly Man

 I just stumbled across this photo.

(original found here)

And it really made me think

I'm raising four boys. When I thought about having children, somehow I thought I'd have mostly girls. It wasn't that I didn't like boys. I loved my 5 little brothers so much and thought they were wonderful and hilarious. But was a girly girl growing up. I had tons of dolls and loved wearing dresses. I wasn't into sports. So I guess I sort of thought that my inclinations might equate to me doing a better job raising girls than boys.

I was actually sort of shocked when the ultrasound tech told us that Ashton was boy. I hadn't had any strong feelings about having a girl, but I guess that I'd sort of assumed and hoped I'd have a girl first since I was the oldest in my family and I helped a ton with my younger siblings and it just seemed good and normal to have a girl as your oldest child.

But Ashton was SO much fun. And I was so glad to find out child #2 would be a boy so these two boys would have each other. I have to admit I was elated to find out child #3 would be a girl. I didn't think I could face life with no daughters at all. Then I sort of assumed that at least one of our twins would be a girl. It came as a bit of a surprise when they showed us two boys on the ultrasound.

Now, of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. Four boys and one girl is the perfect family for us. I love the special exclusive relationship I get to have with my one daughter and I love the adventure and rough-and-tumble of my wonderful boys. Plus, as I grew up, I came to embrace more of the things I would have deemed more "boyish" when I was growing up (like hiking and running) while losing interest in lots of "girly" things (I really don't care for shopping, for flowery or "cute" things, for doing my hair - or Eliza's - poor girl, ...).

I'm so grateful for my dear daughter (I wrote a bit more about that back here), but today I want to write about my sons. I love love love being a mother of sons. And while I thoroughly embrace their adventurous spirits and support most of the daring feats, building projects, and nerf-gun wars they enjoy so much and that make them what many would call "all boy," I also strive to nurture their creativity, their compassion, their love for art and culture, the numberous hugs and kisses the twins give me every day (Isaac's pretty affectionate too - Ashton, not so much),  their love for and understanding of babies and small children, and many other qualities that some people might consider more stereotypically feminine.

From the beginning, I've been very conscious of the fact that I'm not just raising boys. I'm raising husbands and fathers and strong men who'll impact the world around them through their kindness, their nurturing natures, their appreciation for beauty, their capacity for empathy and understanding, their skills with young children, as well as their individual talents in various areas of school and career. When we clean out their rooms, we talk about what special things they might want to save to show their children one day. They take pictures of things they're excited to show those future children. Ashton and Isaac are excellent babysitters (as is their sister) and they love helping tend little kids at every activity we attend, giving parents a break while having a great time with the little friends who adore them. They've been taught to cook and clean alongside their sister. And they see how great their dad is with little kids and how he always pitches in on housework and cleaning. Jared and I have made a conscious effort to raise boys who are well-rounded and who will hopefully be well-prepared to be great dads and husbands one day.

I like to think that most parents in the world around us are similarly working to raise up a generation of men who will be the best dads the world has ever seen while also being great husbands and great providers for their families. But why is it that still, when we see a photo like the one at the beginning of this post, it catches our eye because it's rare? Why don't we have more boys who are babysitting? Why is it a rare thing to find men teaching preschool or elementary school? I know the pay isn't great in professions that involve working with young children and that's a deterrent for men who need to support a family and I know there are concerns about boys or men babysitting or working with young children due to very sad (and very rare but often very public) cases of molestation. Still, I'd love to see us work out some of the real issues involved and move towards a society where boys and men's nurturing capabilities are more appreciated and there are more opportunities for them to enhance and share their skills.

Yes, boys will be boys. And I hope that some day that phrase will bring to mind that boys will be nurturing boys, boys will be caring boys, boys will be helpful boys, boys will be gentle and kind alongside being rough-and-tumble. I hope that we can more fully embrace a new vision of a "manly man" that includes a well-developed and beautiful nurturing side.

Here are some images of great manly men (and all-boy boys) in my life with little kids and babies, nurturing, teaching and loving:

Book Launch Event

Last Thursday I had the privilege of gathering with about 80 other mothers to celebrate the launch of our new Power of Moms book, Motherhood Realized (which is now a bestseller - thanks for helping to make that happen!).

Oh how I love gathering in person with other mothers and sharing our ideas and our hearts! It's always quite an ordeal getting these events together and in the process of it all, I often wonder whether the effort is really worthwhile. But as I talk face-to-face with the wonderful moms who always show up, all the work I do day-in and day-out, sitting in my house at my computercomes to life. It's such a joy to actually meet some of the moms I'm reaching out to every day via podcasts and posts on our website. And it's an even greater joy to listen to them and learn from them in real time.

Eight of the 30+ authors of the book shared beautiful readings from the book and then we broke into small groups and really delved into discussion about what motherhood has helped us realize (plenty of tears and laughter - I so love these small group discussions that are a hallmark of all Power of Moms events).

Here's a glimpse of the event in photos:

 My mom, April and I enjoyed a nice little dinner right before the event. Love these ladies!

What a roomful of wonderfulness:

We had 8 authors each share a beautiful, powerful reading (lots of tears, lots of laughter...)

Here's my mom doing her wonderful keynote - all about the light found in motherhood.

After the readings and my mom's talk, we had rich small-group discussions:

Here are the wonderful authors who were able to join us for the event:

After the event, April and I had the chance to have a great slumber party and planning meeting (it's a rare and special treat for us to work together face to face rather than over the phone and email!). We recorded this podcast sharing our thoughts from the evening plus concrete ideas for how moms can create and nurture important and fun friendships with each other:

PODCAST: The Importance of In-Person Gatherings

And I have to end with a big shout-out to my very very favorite cookie place in the world:

Ruby Snap was kind enough to donate cookies for refreshments for this event. And these aren't just any old cookies. These are top-of-the-line all-natural-ingredient gourmet cookies that are seriously amazing. I'm sort of a "cookie connessieur" so when I found Ruby Snap last year, I fell in love with their unique recipes and high-quality deliciousness. We love getting food donated for our events so that we can keep the costs down and involve more moms at an affordable price so with this event, we approached Ruby Snap and I was delighted that they agreed to donate a whole bunch of fabulous cookies. When I found out that the were going to donate cookies, I was seriously jumping up and down. I'm not sure whether I was more excited about finding out we'd be getting free Ruby Snap cookies or finding out that our book had become a best seller!

The cookies received rave reviews at the event and I think Ruby Snap is going to have a bunch more loyal customers now.

Anyway, here's the Ruby Snap website so you can check out all the uniquely amazing different kinds of cookies they offer and find out how and where you can sample them for yourselves.

Permanence and Transience in Art and Motherhood

I love creativity. I love to see amazing things come out of people's heads and be transformed into reality. I love symbolism and art that is beautiful and thought-provoking at the same time.

So I was in for a real treat when we were privileged to attend the opening of a new art exhibit at the Weber State art museum. (Since the head of the art department lives next door to us, we get in on all the good stuff there!)

This art installation was simply salt on a polished black floor.

The artist, Motoi Yamamoto, came from Japan and spent a week painstakingly arranging salt into a masterpiece that can be enjoyed as a whole big beautiful cosmic thing or as intricate lace-like patterns.

In a month, the community is invited to come and gather up all the salt and take it out to the spiral jetty in the Great Salt Lake where it will be "returned to the sea." The kids definitely want to help with that - to be allowed to not only touch but actually destroy something amazing like this delights them somehow.

But the thought of this beautiful thing being destroyed is a harder concept for adults to embrace. We are attached to the idea of permanence. We want to make our mark, to build for the centuries, to leave our legacy. We don't like seeing our doing undone (one of the hardest aspects of motherhood is seeing our doing get undone again and again and again!).

Perhaps we adults need to learn to embrace transience and repetition more.

We're happy when we make a beautiful meal or cake and see it consumed. But when we make our homes clean and beautiful and then see that cleanliness eaten up by everyday life, we aren't so happy. When we get all the clothes clean and folded into pleasingly neat piles and then those same clothes end up in the hamper shortly thereafter, the cycle and repetition can feel so mundane. Sometimes it seems that nothing we do as moms stays done. But perhaps it's in the doing and undoing that the greatest things end up getting done. Our characters are built and our lives are shaped as we do, then do again, then do better, then do again.

Could we learn to view the cleaning, the laundry, the baths, the tuck-in's, the meals - the things that need to be done and then get undone and then need to be done again - more like Motoi Yamamoto views his art? As something worthy of our time and effort even though it doesn't last and will need to be done again? As something we can make anew again and again and find joy and art in doing repeatedly? As something that can be really gorgeous even though the ingredients and motions involved are quite mundane? As something that doesn't need to be permanent to have great value? As something that can actually be MORE special and wonderful BECAUSE it's transient and fleeting?

Here's a video of Motoi at work. Click HERE or below the image to watch. As you watch, think about the motions of motherhood and how they can be viewed as art.

Click here to watch: http://vimeo.com/68486340

Forgotten Resolutions for School Year 2013-14

So I just found this blog post from August that I guess I never quite published.

It's interesting to see what I planned to do and what I've actually done. It's good to see what I need to really get working on!

• Be a better sister and daughter. Respond more quickly and fully to my parents' emails and blog posts and phone calls. Call, email or text one of my siblings most days. Think of them and pray for them more. (I need to work on this one quite a bit.)

• Be a better wife. Put away my work in the evenings when Jared is home, plan more dates, give more compliments, do nice little extra things more often. (I've been sort of good at this sometimes but I can be better.)

• Be a better mom. Plan more time to get out the door and to get to bed so that I'm not in "hurry mode" so much and I can really listen and make time for moments more. Take each child on an individual date every month (even if it's just part of an errand I need to do). Spend extra time with each child when I tuck them in, giving them sincere compliments and thanks for things that happened that day. (I have done better with this one this year but I can definitely do more - I'm recommitted thanks to this podcast I did a few days ago.)

• Be more involved in the kids' school. I was WAY involved for years but then took things down a few notches for a while. I'm feeling a real need to get more involved in their classrooms again. (I get an "F" for this one. I've missed every PTA meeting even though I'm on the board because they've happened right during all Isaac's Cross Country meets and I haven't followed up on my offer to do special storytime/character education in the twins' class - yes, maybe it's the teacher's job to follow up after I offered but I think I'd better be the one to follow up at this point if it's ever going to happen...And after seeing just a few not-too-stellar grades from first semester, I've committed to checking Power School every Sunday with each kid so we can keep up on their grades better.)

• No eating anything but fruits and veggies after 8pm. (I probably get a "C" on this one. I feel so much better when I keep this rule but long hard days just make me crave a treat after the kids are in bed!)

• Get up earlier - 6:40 so I can be at the table by 7:00 for scriptures and have breakfast on the table by 7:20 so we can be on time for school. (I've been getting up and getting myself downstairs much better than in previous years but I've still got a ways to go on this! I just feel SO tired in the mornings and a couple extra minutes of laying there seems like gold even though it really doesn't do anything for me...)

• Be on time for things. Plan extra time. Be five minutes EARLY for things even. (I think I get a "B" on this one. I've actually been much better at being on time for things and have stopped being so optimistic about how long things are going to take - that's one area where optimism doesn't serve me well.)

Now that this is published, I'm going to be extra serious about this stuff. That's how I am. Once I say I'm going to do something out loud or to someone else, I'm much more likely to actually do it than if I just commit to myself!

A Tribute to My Dear Grandma

Today my wonderful grandma was released from this life. She was 91 and died very quietly and peacefully.

I feel such an odd mixture of emotions. I'll miss her so much. But I'm so happy for her at the same time.



In her youth, Grandma (Ruth) was a beautiful dancer and a smart, strong-willed woman who knew how to get what she wanted and needed. She met the dashing Dean through mutual friends and they fell in love as they danced together in competitions. Dean worked hard to get himself set up in the restaurant business while Ruth finished her college degree in Early Childhood Education. Their love letters and journal entries during their courtship show that they simply adored each other.

Once they were engaged, Grandma saw exactly the wedding dress she wanted in a fancy magazine and figured out how to sew a beautiful replica for herself. When it was almost their wedding day, they heard friends were going to play a prank on them and keep them separated for their wedding night so they decided to evade the pranksters by getting married at the Logan Temple a day early with only their closest family present. It worked! There was no kidnapping! But the photographer wasn't there since he was scheduled for the following day instead. So a little while after their wedding, they got dressed up in their wedding clothes and had this wedding portrait taken.

They had five children, four boys and a girl (just like me). Grandma insisted on natural labor and childbirth and breastfeeding at a time that these things were totally shunned by a society enthralled with "modern" methods of childbirth involving basically sedating women and pulling the baby out and "scientific" methods of feeding babies using "formula."

Grandma and Grandpa scrimped and saved by living with Grandma's parents for quite a few years until they could afford to build their own house. Together, they designed a lovely modest home where every square inch was carefully planned to maximize space and functionality - there were built-in's and cleverly designed things everywhere in the house (pull-out step-stools built into the bathroom cabinets so small children could get up to the sink, a silverware drawer that could pull out in two directions - towards the sink so you could put clean stuff away and towards the table so you could set the table without walking around to the other side to get the silverware...). Grandma always worked to find the very best way to do everything.

Then when their youngest child was just 3 and their oldest child (my dad) was only 15, Dean died of cancer. Grandma was a widow for 53 years and talked often and fondly of her beloved Dean. There were plenty of good men who were interested in the beautiful young widow but Grandma had eyes only for Dean.

Here's Grandma with her children a few years after Dean died:

Grandma worked as the volunteer coordinator at the hospital to support her family and took in boarders to help make ends meet (plus when they were building their house and Dean was starting to be sick, they wisely decided to build two tiny but very well-designed apartments into their attic space so they could rent those out for extra income).

After quite a few years of work at the hospital, Grandma was excited to be able to use her Early Childhood Education degree to do what she loved the most - work with young children. For over 30 years, she ran a very popular preschool called the Joy School which was based on the Joy School curriculum she developed which is now known and loved around the world.

Here's Grandma at the original Joy School (that's my sister Shawni in the front). How we loved visiting the Joy School and bragging to the other kids that their fabulous teacher was our grandmother.


Grandma had this amazing knack when it came to teaching young children. She knew just how to explain important concepts in language that made perfect sense to little ones. She was always ready with a story and a song that would teach a principle in just the right way. I love reading over the Joy School lesson plans because I can almost hear my Grandma's voice in my head, telling each story, explaining each concept. So much of her original words are still in the Joy School lesson plans and her approaches are amazingly effective and timeless.

Grandma taught me so much. Grandma taught me to always always always clean up one thing before I got out another thing, how to make a bed with nurse corners, how to do the dishes the most efficient way, and how to wring out a rag or washcloth just right. She taught me to speak up when I had something to say and to ask for help when I needed it. Through her example, she taught me how to teach, how to make things interesting and fun for little kids, how to make people feel really special, how to stretch money and make-do, and how to organize things neatly and efficiently in a home.

She also taught me how to endure to the end with patience and sweetness and love.

Her memory started to falter maybe 4 or 5 years ago now. Then for the past couple years, she hasn't known who any of us are. "Now which one are you?" "I'm Saren, your oldest grandchild." "Oh, I knew that! I just wanted to be sure YOU knew!" (said with a sweet smile and a chuckle - her sense of humor stayed in tact for a long time). Then 2 minutes later: "Now which one are you?"

She told me that she felt like she was moving through molasses to try to remember certain things and that it was pretty frustrating sometimes.

When I'd take the kids to visit her, she'd always perk up and say how happy she was to see us. She'd show such love and interest in each of the kids and ask them questions (usually the same one or two questions lots of times...). Then the kids would do all the great wooden jigsaw puzzles she made for her children when they were young and she'd always remind them to be sure to finish doing one puzzle and put it away before starting on the next one so the pieces wouldn't get lost (after 60 years, all the pieces are still there!). While they'd do the puzzles, I'd talk with my dear grandma about long-ago things since recent things didn't stick in her mind at all. She'd rattle off the names of her 8 siblings and every time she'd ask how many children I had and I told her about my four boys and a girl, she'd tell me about her four boys and a girl. Then she'd tell me how much she longed to go be with their father, with her dear Dean. "When do you think Dean will come get me? an " she'd plead with tears running down her face. I'd tell her I knew it would happen at the right time and then we'd cheer things up by singing some of the old Joy School songs with the kids. She'd always say she didn't remember the songs but when we'd start singing, she sang along with every word.

When we'd get ready to leave, I'd tell her I loved her and she'd hold my hands in her cool, papery-soft hands and look right into my eyes with her watery-blue mostly-unseeing eyes and earnestly say, "I love you so much."

Me and Saydi with Grandma in 2009 (when she still mostly knew who we were):

Grandma with some of her 50 or so great grandchildren.


Visiting Grandma on her birthday in 2011:

Then a year or so ago, Grandma started to sleep for all but a couple hours out of the day. Her eyesight was poor. Her hearing wasn't great. She couldn't remember anything. She'd sometimes go through manic phases where she'd talk non-stop and have paranoid delusional ideas. But mostly she seemed to be in a sort of in-between stage between life and death during the time she was awake. She'd often ask, "Am I still alive?"

But her physical health was still quite good. She's always been very healthy and month after month, her body kept going even though her mind was done.

This last Monday evening, all Grandma's children gathered to have a special prayer with her. In the prayer, they asked that she could be released soon to be with her beloved Dean.

That night, she got up to go to the bathroom and somehow fell and broke her hip. At the hospital, they found she had some different infections as well as the broken hip. Then today, she peacefully and quietly slipped away.

Oh, how I love my dear Grandma! What a privilege it is to be related to her. And what a gorgeous thing it is to picture her back in the arms of her beloved Dean in Heaven now.

Here's Grandma with her family - Grandma's holding me in the front. This picture makes me remember all the times she tucked me in bed with a story and all the times she told me how special she thought I was.


Grandma with just her five children: Chris, Rick (my dad), Sheri, Kevin and Rawlin


Grandma with her grandkids (me, Adam, Josh, Shawni and Alisha - the first of the 23 grandchildren she would have):


Here's Grandma with my brother Josh:

Grandma with me on her lap and my parents on the right with Shawni, my aunt, uncle and cousin on the left. 

Oh, I'll miss you Grandma. But I'm so happy your suffering is over and that you're with Grandpa Dean. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of the two of you together after all these years.

 *** For a beautiful tribute to Grandma from a few years ago by my sister Saydi, click here.