The Habits of Happy People

I listened to a great Ted Talk today while on my run. Then my brother forwarded me a link to an article that nicely summarized the talk. The talk and article are about happiness, something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.

Here's the talk:
http://www.ted.com/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology.html (He talks about actual scientific studies they've done to "prove" what creates happiness.)

Here's the article by Kate Bratskeir that summarizes some great points from Seligman's talk:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/16/happiness-habits-of-exuberant-human-beings_n_3909772.html

Here are some of the 16 things Bratskeir says happy people do (pasted right from her article with lots of good links to further information):

They try to be happy. 
Yep -- it’s as simple as it sounds: just trying to be happy can boost your emotional well-being, according to two studies recently published in The Journal of Positive Psychology. Those who actively tried to feel happier in the studies reported the highest level of positive moods, making a case for thinking yourself happy.

They are mindful of the good.
It’s important to celebrate great, hard-earned accomplishments, but happy people give attention to their smaller victories, too. “When we take time to notice the things that go right -- it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day,” Susan Weinschenk, Ph.D. told The Huffington Post in May. “That can help with our moods.” And, as Frank Ghinassi, Ph.D. explains, being mindful of the things that do go your way (even something as simple as the barista getting your coffee order right) can make you feel a greater sense of accomplishment throughout the day.

They appreciate simple pleasures.
A meticulously swirled ice cream cone. An boundlessly waggy dog. Happy people take the time to appreciate these easy-to-come-by pleasures. Finding meaning in the little things, and practicing gratitude for all that you do have is associated with a sense of overall gladness.

They devote some of their time to giving.
Even though there are only 24 hours in a day, positive people fill some of that time doing good for others, which in return, does some good for the do-gooders themselves. A long-term research project called Americans’ Changing Lives found a bevy of benefits associated with altruism: “Volunteer work was good for both mental and physical health. People of all ages who volunteered were happier and experienced better physical health and less depression,” reported Peggy Thoits, the leader of one of the studies.

Givers also experience what researchers call “the helper’s high,” a euphoric state experienced by those engaged in charitable acts. “This is probably a literal “high,” similar to a drug-induced high,” writes Christine L. Carter, Ph.D. “The act of making a financial donation triggers the reward center in our brains that is responsible for dopamine-mediated euphoria.”

They let themselves lose track of time. (And sometimes they can’t help it.)
When you’re immersed in an activity that is simultaneously challenging, invigorating and meaningful, you experience a joyful state called “flow.” Happy people seek this sensation of getting “caught up” or “carried away,” which diminishes self-consciousness and promotes the feelings associated with success. As explained by Pursuit-of-happiness.org, “In order for a Flow state to occur, you must see the activity as voluntary, enjoyable (intrinsically motivating), and it must require skill and be challenging (but not too challenging) with clear goals towards success.”

They nix the small talk for deeper conversation.
Nothing wrong with shootin' the you-know-what every now and then, but sitting down to talk about what makes you tick is a prime practice for feeling good about life.A study published in Psychological Science found that those who take part in more substantive conversation and less trivial chit chat experienced more feelings of satisfaction.

"I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings," is one of the top five regrets of the dying -- a sentiment that hints at the fact that people wish they'd spent less time talking about the weather and more time delving into what it is that makes their heart swell.

They make a point to listen.
"When you listen you open up your ability to take in more knowledge versus blocking the world with your words or your distracting thoughts," writes David Mezzapelle, author of Contagious Optimism. "You are also demonstrating confidence and respect for others. Knowledge and confidence is proof that you are secure and positive with yourself thus radiating positive energy." Good listening is a skill that strengthens relationships and leads to more satisfying experiences. A good listener may walk away from a conversation feeling as if their presence served a purpose, an experience that isclosely connected with increased well-being.

They uphold in-person connections.
It’s quick and convenient to text, FaceTime and tweet at your buddies. But spending the money on a flight to see your favorite person across the country has weight when it comes to your well-being. "There's a deep need to have a sense of belonging that comes with having personal interactions with friends," says John Cacioppo, Ph.D., the director of the Center of Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago. Social media, while it keeps us in touch, doesn't allow us to physically touch, which harvests the warm-and-fuzzies and even decreases feelings of anxiety.

They listen to good music.
Music is powerful. So powerful, in fact, that it could match up to the anxiety-reducing effects of massage therapy. Over a three month period, researchers from the Group Health Research Institute found that patients who simply listened to music had the same decreased anxiety symptoms as those who got 10 hour-long massages. Choosing the right tunes could be an important factor, however, as a happy or sad song can also affect the way we perceive the world. In one experiment where researchers asked subjects to identify happy or sad faces while listening to music, the participants were more likely to see the faces that matched the "mood" of the music.Click here for a few of our favorite mood-boosting jams.

They unplug.
Whether by meditating, taking a few deep breaths away from the screen ordeliberately disconnecting from electronics, unplugging from our hyper-connected world has proven advantages when it comes to happiness. Talking on your cell could increase your blood pressure and raise your stress levels, while uninterrupted screen time has been linked to depression and fatigue. Technology isn't going away, but partaking in some kind of a digital detox gives your brain the opportunity to recharge and recover, which -- bonus -- could increase your resilience.

They get spiritual.
Studies point to a link between religious and spiritual practice and mirth. For one, happiness habits like expressing gratitude, compassion and charity are generally promoted in most spiritual conventions. And, asking the big questions helps to give our lives context and meaning. A 2009 study found that children who felt their lives had a purpose (which was promoted by a spiritual connection) were happier.

Spirituality offers what the 20th-century sociologist Emile Durkheim referred to as "sacred time," which is a built-in, unplugging ritual that elicits moments of reflection and calm. As Ellen L. Idler, Ph.D., writes in "The Psychological and Physical Benefits of Spiritual/Religious Practices,": 

The experience of sacred time provides a time apart from the “profane time” that we live most of our lives in. A daily period of meditation, a weekly practice of lighting Sabbath candles, or attending worship services, or an annual retreat in an isolated, quiet place of solitude all of these are examples of setting time apart from the rush of our everyday lives. Periods of rest and respite from work and the demands of daily life serve to reduce stress, a fundamental cause of chronic diseases that is still the primary causes of death in Western society. Transcendent spiritual and religious experiences have a positive, healing, restorative effect, especially if they are “built in,” so to speak, to one’s daily, weekly, seasonal, and annual cycles of living

They make exercise a priority.
A wise, albeit fictional Harvard Law School student once said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." Exercise has been shown to ease symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress, thanks to the the various brain chemicals that are released that amplify feelings of happiness and relaxation. Plus, working out makes us appreciate our bodies more. One study published in the Journal of Health Psychology found that exercise improved how people felt about their bodies -- even if they didn’t lose weight or achieve noticeable improvements.

They go outside.
Want to feel alive? Just a 20-minute dose of fresh air promotes a sense of vitality, according to several studies published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology. "Nature is fuel for the soul, " says Richard Ryan, Ph.D, the lead author of the studies. "Often when we feel depleted we reach for a cup of coffee, but research suggests a better way to get energized is to connect with nature." And while most of us like our coffee hot, we may prefer our serving of the great outdoors at a more lukewarm temperature: A study on weather and individual happiness unveiled 57 degrees to be the optimal temperature for optimal happiness.

They spend some time on the pillow.
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't just a myth. When you're running low on zzs, you're prone to experience lack of clarity, bad moods and poor judgment. "A good night's sleep can really help a moody person decrease their anxiety," Dr. Raymonde Jean, director of sleep medicine and associate director of critical care at St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center told Health.com. "You get more emotional stability with good sleep."

They LOL.
You've heard it before: Laughter is the best medicine. In the case of The Blues, this may hold some truth. A good, old-fashioned chuckle releases happy brain chemicalsthat, other than providing the exuberant buzz we seek, make humans better equipped to tolerate both pain and stress.

And you might be able to get away with counting a joke-swapping session as a workout (maybe). "The body's response to repetitive laughter is similar to the effect of repetitive exercise," explained Dr. Lee Berk, the lead researcher of a 2010 study focused on laughter's effects on the body. The same study found that some of the benefits associated with working out, like a healthy immune system, controlled appetite and improved cholesterol can also be achieved through laughter.

Origins of Pleasure

I really enjoyed this - it really made me think:

After watching it, I wondered whether one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much was because my dear brother Talmadge sent me the link and said he'd really enjoyed watching it as part of the Positive Psychology Masters program he recently started.

The origin of the video - it's recommendation by someone I love and its inclusion in a top-tier university's Master's program - likely made me enjoy it more.

 And my enjoyment of the video was also likely heightened because I watched it during the precious few minutes of me-time that I allow myself every morning after I get the kids off to school. When I get home from dropping them off, I sit down and watch a TED talk or a talk from LDS General conference or something else thought-provoking and meaningful while I eat my breakfast (I realized long ago that eating breakfast with the kids just wasn't realistic - I've got to be doing hair and dealing with tons of little details while they eat breakfast so we can be on time for school...). I ate my favorite breakfast of oatmeal, yogurt and fresh sliced peaches that I got from the Farmer's Market on Saturday. I'm sure my enjoyment of this talk was heightened by watching it while enjoying my tasty breakfast and my pleasant moments of piece after a crazy morning of getting kids off to school.

It's helpful to think about what really gives us pleasure and why. I think we're meant to experience a lot more pleasure than we generally experience in life but we don't really think about making joy and pleasure a goal. Perhaps if we set ourselves up for pleasure more, we'd not only experience it more, but we'd also be nicer people. Hmmm.

There is that scripture, "Men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:27). Is this scripture making a statement - that we were created to have joy and that joy is our right? Or is it more of a commandment - saying that we are supposed to seek out joy, to enjoy the beauty God created for us, to appreciate all that life brings us and gain the huge joy and pleasure that is to be had in gratitude, to prioritize pleasure sometimes, to work hard towards important things so that we can experience that uniquely wonderful joy that comes from achievement and helping others...

On another note, I realized I'm odd in some ways. If the origin of something I love is that I found it for a great deal and it's fake but I really like it, I think I actually like and cherish that thing more than if it were a really expensive original that I'd have to worry about the kids damaging.

I love this "painting" and I get tons of compliments on it when people come our house:

While it's a factory-produced piece (canvas with what looks like real paint applied thickly on top - nice texture and looks quite real) and I don't even know who the original artist was or whether he/she experienced any fame for his/her art, I love this painting. It's just really beautiful to me. But then as I think about it further, perhaps some of the reasons I love it have to do with its origin when I think of origin on a more personal level.

I've been to Sweden where my ancestors are from and when I first spied this painting at Ikea, it totally reminded me of Sweden and it's somewhat stark but sweeping beauty hit me just right. I was with Jared and the kids and we were visiting SLC from St George. I told Jared I really wanted the painting. He agreed that it was nice but brought up that we wouldn't be able to fit it in the back of our van to get it back to St George and that if we put it in the passenger area, the chances of it surviving a 4-hour drive next to the kids was pretty small. But with some tetras-style maneuvering, we fit it quite nicely in the back of the van and found it a spot in our house in St George. Then when we moved, it proved to be absolutely perfect above the fireplace in our house here - totally opens up the living room that is otherwise a bit dark and feels sort of smallish.

 So while this painting doesn't have beautiful origins of its own, it's developed meaning and history for us and therefore offers us as much or more pleasure than an original painting would...

I think that whether things in our home, the gifts we receive, the names we have and give our children, or the experiences we have come to us with history and meaning already assigned to them or whether we assign our own meaning to them, origin and meaning is important and does heighten pleasure. I know that when I tell my kids how hard I worked on dinner or even involve them in that hard work, their enjoyment of that dinner is definitely heightened. I know that when I come up with a gift or plan an activity for someone that has some history and meaning behind it and I share that history and meaning with the receiver, the pleasure involved in the gift is heightened for both the giver and the receiver.

 Just some random thoughts for the day!

Building Grit in our Kids

I just watched a TED Talk that struck a major chord with me. I guess it mostly confirmed something most of us already know - but helped me name something I really want to work on with my kids.

Angela Lee Duckworth spent years studying what determines success - tried to predict who'd succeed and who'd fail in really tough situations - West Point accademy, the National Spelling Bee, rookie teachers in really tough environments, salespeople at big companies. She found that that IQ, social intelligence, good looks and many other important contributing factors are NOT the most important factors that determine success. What determined who'd succeed was GRIT.

Grit is passion and perseverance for a long period of time. Grit is keeping your eye on the big goals and working towards them steadily even when the immediate stuff is really hard and really not fun. Grit is living life like a marathon, not like a sprint.

We know so little about how to build grit in people. Talent doesn't make you gritty. Grit is unrelated or inversely related to talent. Growth mindset - an idea from Carol Dweck at Stanford University - is the idea that the ability to learn is not fixed, that it can change with your effort. When kids lean about the brain and how it can grow and develop and recognize that failure is not a permanent position, it helps them develop grit. But Ms. Duckworth said there's no real answers yet about to how to build grit in people. She said we need to be gritty about figuring out how to build grit.

Watch the whole talk here if you want (it's just 5 minutes - and really leaves you hanging!).

When I look at my own children and the people I know well, I see quite clearly that those who find success in their endeavors are generally gritty. So I want to do all I can do to help my kids develop that grit they need. Some of them have come by some serious grit quite naturally. For others, developing grit will be a bit of an uphill battle. But I believe it's possible. And I believe it's quite necessary.

I know that when I help my kids set goals that are a bit of a stretch - but not too much of a stretch - and help them make and execute do-able plans to get to their goals, then celebrate their achievements like crazy when they reach those goals, I think it helps them build grit. As they achieve hard things, they see that they can stretch, they can accomplish, they can reach. And I think seeing that hard stuff is possible is an essential element of grit.

One of my kids got a terrible grade in PE last year because he didn't really try very hard at all. He kept forgetting to bring his PE uniform. He didn't push himself when they did the required Presidential Fitness Tests. He said his foot hurt or his back hurt or his shoes were too tight or whatever the malady of the day was. And when we saw that ridiculous PE grade (which was based purely on just bringing your PE stuff and showing real effort), we weren't pleased.

We decided that in order for this child to have the tablet he'd saved up to buy, he needed to rectify that grade. We had him look up the Presidential Fitness Test online and find out how many push-ups, pull-ups, and sit-ups a kid his age was supposed to be able to do plus how fast he was supposed to be able to run a mile. And he agreed to work to meet those benchmarks and pass the fitness test this summer to make up for his bad grade and earn the right to get the tablet he earnestly wanted. We helped him make a chart and a plan including a few minutes a day several days a week of working on physical stuff. And we assured him he'd have the tablet within a couple weeks if he followed the plan. He's a strong, healthy kid and the benchmarks seemed very reasonable for him.

Well, despite lots of gentle reminders and suggestions, he just didn't get going on this stuff. He sporadically worked on a few sit ups or push ups here or there and with some slight arm-twisting, he consented to running a mile on a few occasions.

Finally, as the end of the summer loomed near, we decided to place a time limit on his goal and helped him draw up a more specific timeline and schedule for getting his goals accomplished. And with the more specific plan and timeline, things started to click for him. He passed off the sit-ups, push-ups and pull-ups fairly quickly by getting into the right mindset and pushing past the "I hate this" feeling just a little. But the running goal was the hardest one - not something he could just push himself to do by trying extra hard for a few minutes (like he was able to do with the sit ups and pushups and pull ups). He needed to run every day for a while to increase his speed and get to the required 8 minute 15 second mile. He really doesn't like running. We accepted that then assured him that he COULD do it and helped him see that taking 10 minutes or so to go running each morning for a while really wasn't the worst thing ever. And once he got consistent with running a mile every morning, he was able to meet the goal on his 6th time in a row. We were all SO happy for him! And he's SO excited to have that tablet in his hands - there's nothing like getting something you've really worked hard to get.

I don't think this goal turned this child into a runner. Or into a really self-motivated guy. But I do think it helped him to see some grit in himself. And he needed to see that in order to build more grit. Grit builds on grit.

How else do you think we can build grit in our children? I'd sure love some help here!

Thoughts on Education

I'm loving taking a few minutes each day to watch a TED talk and/or a talk from LDS General Conference. It feels so good to get my brain working. Here's my favorite clip from last week:


 According to this video (and I totally agree), the way our current education is set up can really squash creativity. Our "no child left behind" policies should really be called "millions of children left behind." The culture of standardization just doesn't work for kids. Different kids really need different things. We need kids to grow up to have different skills and perform different roles - so why are we trying to get children with naturally different needs and interests to all learn the same things in the same way? What do we need? Great teachers who really care and can personalize education and who have the freedom to adjust curriculum to what they know will work for the children in their classroom. This requires more professional development for teachers, more respect for teachers, less required standardized practices. Education is not and cannot be a mechanized system. It has to be a human system based on tons of individual stories from individual children.

"Alternative" education makes things more individualized and helps children get re-interested in education when they've struggled. It works. Why is this type of education the "alternative" instead of the norm?

Leaders in education need to change the focus from "command and control" to "climate control" where the right situations are created for teachers and learners to flourish.

Right now I'm working on setting up the right situation for learning to flourish in our family this summer. We'll be out of town a lot but it's easy to adapt most of what's in our Loosli Learning Adventures Camp  (written about in this post that has sort of gone crazy out there - 1/2 a million reads!) to our upcoming 3-week cross-country road trip (reading, writing, learning - all great things to do when you're in a car for lots of hours...). And each kid is choosing a different city that we'll be visiting to research in advance then they'll do a little "presentation" to everyone else in the car as we near that city. Plus we'll be learning a ton together as we visit new places, meet new people, and have plenty of adventures (some of which will be fun while we're having them, some of which may be less fun at the time but will hopefully make for great memories!).

I can't fix the whole school system right now (but some of that's on my shelf to do a bit later in my life!). I can  supplement what my kids are getting in school with some really great learning experiences during their out-of-school time.