Peace at Home

I've been home from Bali for a week now. Amazingly, I have been able to avoid my tendency to get pretty easily annoyed and angry when I'm under pressure. I've stayed calm and happy even in the midst of tons of work on launching our new Power of Moms book and lots of catch up with kids stuff and housework and groceries and laundry. I felt a little tired thanks to jet lag, but have you noticed that sometimes when you're a little tired you actually feel sort of extra calm? 

I'm realizing that I really can choose calmness over stress when I take a deep breath and remind myself that everything always works out OK in the end. My track record for surviving crazy moments in life is 100 percent so far. So I'm trying to remember this track record and stop feeling like its the end of the world when I'm in the middle of something seemingly insurmountable.

It's been great being home with our kids again. The twins hugs when I picked them up from school after getting home from the airport were priceless. It was so fun to show the kids all our Bali pictures on Wednesday night (we were going to do it Monday night but Ashton somehow ended up giving Isaac a slight concussion with the plastic handle on a foam sword so we spent the evening talking about safety instead...). It was so fun to share the sights we saw, the fun we had and the very interesting things we learned about Balinese culture. They had lots of great questions and comments. And they were pretty excited about the gifts we got them - t-shirts for the big boys, musical instruments for Oliver and Silas. And a Balinese dancer's crown for Eliza. The twins immediately started playing music while Eliza tried out some Balinese dance moves she saw in the videos we took. What a fun evening!

Of course it's not all sweetness and butterflies around here. The kids have had plenty of squabbles and my to-do list is always a little longer than is realistic or comfortable. There are a couple ongoing parenting issues we're struggling with that try my patience and hurt my heart. But I have faith that if we keep moving forward carefully and lovingly, things will work out in the end. I'm really learning how to relax more about lots of things and not care so desperately much about quite so many things. I'm realizing that worrying about so many things all the time is just not something my brain can handle anymore.

Right now I'm sitting in the lodge at Snow Basin ski resort. Jared is skiing with the kids and I am watching people making curvy zig zags down the beautiful white slopes and serving as "Lodge Mom" - I'm the gathering place and the snack bar and the cheerleader and I get to hear all the exciting stories of crashes and exciting feats on the slopes while they're nice and fresh.

Usually when I come up here, I try to get work done on my computer. The internet service is very spotty so I mostly just get frustrated while I'm trying to work. Today I decided to just read a book and type up this little post and catch up on a few emails if the internet happens to be working - no expectations, no pressure. I'm realizing that sometimes relaxing is the most productive thing you can do. I'm realizing that in the past few years I have not made time for relaxing at all really. And that has taken its toll on me and on my family. I've kept my brain so busy thinking about so many things I could have done better and so many things I need to do and so many situations I'm concerned about. I've worried so much about what I - and everyone else - should be doing and enjoying. I've realized that it's pretty hard to actually enjoy life when you're so busy analyzing it.

Getting Unstuck and Setting Resolutions

Yesterday, New Year's Day, Jared and the kids went skiing. I opted to stay at home and have a little quiet time to think through what I want to do and be in 2014.

There's a lot I'd love to see happen this year and a lot I've learned in 2013 and need to more fully apply this upcoming year. But when I sat down to start the process of some self-assessment and resolution-setting, I just felt overwhelmed and stuck. Then I realized I needed to exercise, shower and take care of some of the holiday clutter and dirt around here before my brain could wrap itself around the whole resolution-setting thing. Yep, I needed to take the advice in this podcast I made with April. We really do have to get our space and brain cleared up a bit before we can really think about moving forward with goals and plans - otherwise, we can feel pretty disheartened and uninspired.

So after getting some exercise, taking a shower, tackling the toppling pile in my inbox, putting away the random things that have ended up in random places over the past couple weeks with everyone at home and all the presents that have been opened, doing a couple loads of laundry, and cleaning a couple bathrooms that have really been bugging me, I felt much better about my ability to actually move forward.

I did the self-assessment in the Bloom Game that I haven't done for ages, realized some areas I need to work on, and got some basic resolutions set (that I'll add to this Sunday when I've had a bit longer to think things through). Now I'm feeling like I really can move forward.

Today, a bunch of neighborhood kids are here playing games and enjoying a big snowball fight which would have totally overwhelmed me yesterday before I took the time to de-clutter my house and mind. I'm in a much better place today. Bring on 2014. I'm ready.

Retreat with My Mom and Sisters - MFME 2013

I'm amazingly blessed to be related to each of these women.

Last weekend, I got to spend three and a half precious days with my mom, my 3 sisters and my 4 sisters-in-law in Laguna Beach, CA.

My mom decided to use the money her wonderful, frugal, hard-working mother left for her to enable us to get together for an MFME (Mothers and Future Mothers of Eyrealm) retreat at least every other year. The purpose is to get away to gain perspective, have fun, and fill each other up so we can be the moms and wives and people we want and need to be. (And this idea of my mom's is what spurred Power of Moms Retreats.)

Since we live in NYC, Boston, DC, San Diego, San Francisco, Hawaii, Phoenix and Utah, it's a trick finding a place we can all fly into with direct flights and cheapish airfares. LA proved to be the best option this year. And wow, were we ever blessed with amazing weather! the high 70's and low 80's felt heavenly!

We hung out on the beautiful deck of the very-cool eco-friendly house we rented (up the canyon about a mile from the beach), enjoyed the beach, ate at wonderful restaurants, made cookies (a must at an Eyre get-together), went for some great runs and walks, took turns coaxing great smiles and coos out of Julie and Eli's adorable first baby Zara, oohed and ahhed over the beautiful architecture, fun details and lovely plants and landscaping all around, and talked, talked, talked, talked, talked.

The house where we stayed:


Talking on the deck:

On a walk around the neighborhood:

Morning run and yoga on the beach:

Enjoying the sunset:

Talking on the beach:

Wandering around Laguna Beach and watching a parade:

Eating way too much yummy food: (and my dad popped in to surprise us for a few hours!)

TOPICS OF CONVERSATION:
We reported back on the daily scripture reading challenge we agreed to when we were together last summer at Bear Lake (and I got a prize - a beautiful candle - for keeping up with my reading and reporting on it every week on my blog here!). We shared our "best" and "worst" about the previous year. We laughed until we cried about things our kids have said and done and crazy moments we've each had. We recorded a podcast for Power of Moms about some of our most ridiculous "mom moments." We all read "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindberg and discussed that along with really interesting articles that each of us submitted for everyone to read in advance. And we talked about food - a lot. In honor of the fact that we're all pretty into food, Julie gathered everyone's favorite recipes from the past year and put them all together for each of us. Yeah Julie!

And we came away with a new challenge that we'll all follow up on each other about. Inspired by "Gift from the Sea" as well as many points from the articles we read, we're all going to set aside 10 minutes a day, one hour a week, and 3 hours a month to really fill ourselves up - to meditate, to pray, to learn something new, to do something that's purely about self-development and/or relaxation. We realized we all could use more dedicated time for just being rather than focusing so much on doing.

Here are some personal resolutions I made on top of our joint resolution:

I will take time to think every day - not just about what to do, but about who to be.

I will do something every day that fills me up and teaches me something new or reminds me of something important. I'm always pouring out and pouring out without filling up leads to some meager offerings and some serious depletion.

I will stop beating myself up about not being all things to all people all the time. I'll more fully embrace the great concepts in these posts that have really changed my thinking and actions lately:

• How to be all Things to all People (Get rid of guilt by telling people what your heart wishes you could do, then explaining what will actually work for you and what won't)

• Drops of Awesome (Realize that every little good thing we do is a drop of awesome that can only build, and cannot be depleted when we omit something or do something bad; realize that the Atonement takes care of the many many many drops it takes to go from our best efforts to what it takes to be what God wants and needs us to be)

I'll blog about what I really feel in my heart more and less about what I feel I "should" blog about.

I will stop trying so hard to suck the marrow out of every day and every experience. I can't really enjoy life when I'm trying so hard to enjoy life. Enjoying comes from sitting back, taking in, accepting what comes, loving what comes.

I will stop trying so hard to stretch myself and cover all that I feel I need to be covering. I'm stretching myself too thin too often and all that stretching is often not adding up to all that much in the end. As the instructor said in my yoga class the other day, "you can't really stretch until you relax. Once you really relax, you can really stretch." As she said that, a light bulb went on in my head. I'm trying too hard! I'm overthinking things! As I focus on RELAXING, not stretching, I'll actually be able to stretch in the ways I need to stretch.

Love this post by Saydi - she captured things so well and brought tears to my eyes:
http://bostonshumways.blogspot.com/2013/03/mfme-2013.html

Love this post by Charity too:
Eyre Girls Hit Laguna Beach

And on a much lighter note, here's a video Aja made. Can you tell that we couldn't hear the music? We just did what Aja instructed us to do w/o really having a clue what we were doing...But actually the words to the music go pretty well with our weekend...

Sun and Snow

An hour ago, I jogged home after a really hard but really pleasant Yoga class. It was sunny and the snow-covered mountains looked so crisp and lovely (in stark contrast to the smog that has been almost obscuring them lately). I felt in tune with my body and with the earth. I felt peace and joy.

As I neared my house, I thought "I guess the weather forecast was wrong. They said 80% chance of snow but it sure doesn't look like it could possibly snow today."

Five minutes ago, I noticed a couple of flakes flitting about outside my window and thought, "hey, maybe there will be a little snow today."

And now it looks like this:

This photo can't capture the swirling, fast-falling, thick flakes. It's a gorgeous snowstorm. And it materialized in about 5 minutes. Wow.

Isn't motherhood like this a lot? One minute, you think you're feeling pretty darn good about yourself. You've finished quite a few things on your "to do" list. Your darling children are playing nicely. You're living your dream.

Then, quite suddenly, things can change. One child needs something, then another, then another - and all their needs seem so urgent and mutually exclusive and then on top of that the phone is ringing and you haven't started dinner yet and you just remembered you're supposed to be somewhere 5 minutes ago... Your blue skies have been replaced by a snow storm, right before your eyes.

Maybe the trick is to see the beauty in the storm.

Isn't it the swirling movement of motherhood quite beautiful, even when it gets thick? Isn't it great to be so needed and so wanted? Isn't it wonderful that your life is full and rich and full of surprises and learning opportunities?

And maybe the other trick is to accept that no clear sky or storm lasts forever.

Once we accept that motherhood is all about change and acceptance and finding the beauty and learning in the hard stuff, things seem a lot better.

So when little kids get home from school in a few minutes, I know there will be a bit of a snowstorm going on in this house. Everyone will want to tell me something at the same time and the older kids will call and try to talk me into coming to pick them up from school while the younger kids need my attention (I'm going to cheerfully remind the big boys how close we live and how fun it is to walk in this lovely snow that isn't even settling on the sidewalks at all) and my currently very sunny disposition might get a bit rattled. But I'm expecting the craziness. I'll embrace it. And the storm will be beautiful in its own way.

A Lesson from a Smart Boy

Yesterday Oliver woke up with a bad tummy ache and it wasn't feeling better by school time. We decided he should stay home from school.

After dropping off the other kids and heading back into the house, Oliver remarked, "Wow, it's quiet in here." Yep. I told him it would be the perfect day for him to catch up on his reading (he was behind a little in his reading log for the week) and told him I'd need to get some work done while he was reading but we'd do some fun stuff later if he was feeling better. He took off to read and I sat down at my computer.

A few minutes later he came in and presented me with this list of the things he planned to get done while the other kids were at school. He thought of all this completely by himself:

Here's the translation in case his handwriting and spelling don't make things clear:
1. Reading 47 minutes (this is how far he was behind in his reading log).
2. Raz Kids is an online reading program he loves - and I appreciated that he realized he'd need to work on that on his own while I did my work.
3. Sum Dog is an online math program he loves.
4. Wonders of the World is a coffee table book full of amazing nature photography and Oliver said he hadn't looked at it in way too long.
5. Reef movie is a DVD all about fish that we got a couple Christmases ago and I'd forgotten about (as he was watching it, I kept hearing him in the other room loudly ooing and ahing nad at the end he said "That movie had no words but I still learned so much. I think it's my favorite movie now.")
6. Hug mom for 18 seconds.
7. Kiss mom 8 times (and read Reef book that goes with the DVD).
8. Play 1 song.
9. Play a game with mom.
10. Do a puzzle with mom.

After smiling at this very cute list and praising Oliver for coming up with so many great ideas, I was a little concerned that my chatty little partner and his list might make it hard for me to get the stuff done on my list but you know what? I realized that some of the stuff on Oliver's list mattered a lot more that some of the stuff on my list so I did a little revising of my list. And the great news is that we got to everything on Oliver's list - but we substituted a nice jog (me)/bike ride (Oliver) for the puzzle since it was such a nice day.

I guess Oliver's been paying attention to my example of daily list-making. And I'm paying attention to Oliver's example of  including relationship-building activities on the list, not just work-oriented and household-oriented stuff. I think I'm going to start adding stuff like "give an 18 second hug" and "play a game with my kids" to my "must-do" lists each day. Thanks for the lesson, Ollie!

Doing it all - or not...

I'm constantly evaluating and re-evaluating what I'm doing and what I should be doing with my time. And I keep thinking I've got things figured out but then I get off-track time and time again as I say yes to too many things and that forces me to say no to things that matter more.

This school year is going to be different. I think I've finally really learned to accept that I simply must have margins and boundaries in my life in order to be the mom and person I want to be. I've always known, logically, that no one can do everything their heart yearns to do and that we have to say no to a lot of things. But I've allowed myself to think that I can somehow sneak a whole lot more onto my plate than most people and it'll somehow work out.

And you know what? Sometimes it does work out - sort of. Sometimes, like last year, I can squeeze in planning and conducting TEN Power of Moms Retreats across the country and in Australia, creating and revising several major programs on Power of Moms, editing our new Power of Moms book, overseeing the work of our great volunteer board members, and tons more Power of Moms work alongside helping five kids with their homework, keeping a home relatively clean and stocked with food, having a somewhat decent amount of quality time with my kids reading books and telling stories and going on little dates one-on-one as well as some big family trips, cooking pretty solid and tasty made-from-scratch meals daily, exercising three times a week... But you know what got squeezed out? Time to relax and enjoy life. Accomplishment after accomplishment doesn't stack up to much when you never have time to enjoy any of it. Hurrying through everything you do sucks the fun out of everything. Anticipation and reflection bring great joy but when you're so busy you don't have time to anticipate or reflect, much of that joy is lost. And I'm feeling old and worn out after such a packed year. I don't like feeling so used up.

So this year, I'm slowing things down - for real. I'm going to schedule better and add in extra time to get ready for things and to record and reflect on things. Our family theme for this year is "be prepared and enjoy." We're going to be ready early for things because we're going to plan better. We're going to enjoy things more because we're going to spread things out more. And we're going to embrace the idea that less is more.

So here's our plan of what we're going to do and not do this coming school year:

• Wake-up time: I hate getting up early. I've struggled with it and tried to change my mindset and become a morning person all my life. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I don't like getting up early and I never will but I LOVE having time to get myself ready (exercise, get dressed) before the kids need me, having time to help the kids get ready, and being on time for things in the morning without rushing people along so much (often in a not-so-nice way). So I'm going to get up early. When that alarm rings, I am not going to waste time thinking about how tired I am or whether I may actually have a few more minutes to sleep if I streamline things a bit for that morning. I'm just going to get up and get going on the morning routine that I've spelled out to the kids again and again but that I haven't been that good at following myself... (more about morning routines here: The Beauty of Routines)
• Bed time: I'm going to get dinner on the table on time (6pm) so we can get kids to bed on time (8pm) so I can have time to enjoy story time for the younger kids and talking with the big kids more (they always seem most keen to talk just when I'm most keen to be done for the day so we need to pad bedtime a bit more to allow for this). Then the little ones will be ready to go to sleep at 8:30 and  and doing stories when I tuck them in and they can be going to sleep or 
• Music: I'm going to turn on music in the mornings to get us all going and after dinner to help people get their after-dinner jobs done in a fun way. Music really helps at specific points in the day (but I like quiet too). We don't have enough music around here. (whole post about this lesson I learned a while back but obviously didn't fully take to heart here: The Power of Music)
• Protected time for mothering and being the wife I want to be: Last year I worked on Power of Moms stuff pretty much the entire time my kids were in school and tried not to work when they got home but there was always some pressing project and I was always falling into the trap of thinking I could get a little more work done once I got them settled and doing their homework. But it was silly to think they could just do their homework on their own while I took care of a few emails here and there. It ended up being "wait just a minute" whenever they needed help - and those minutes got way too long. I need to be fully available from 3pm until bedtime and I'm not going to let other stuff creep in so much.  I plan to belong entirely to my family before and after school and my later evenings will be reserved for time with Jared. One night a week, when Jared has other stuff going on, I'll catch up on some Power of Moms stuff. But I'm protecting time to just hang out together when the kids are in bed. It's so important - and has been so neglected. I'm also protecting - and calendaring - weekly date nights - something we really haven't been good about and something that makes a real difference when we do it regularly.
• Time for myself and for non-POM projects: Rather than giving all my school-time hours to Power of Moms, I'm going to grant myself a lunch hour to read a book, go for a walk, do things that fill me up and energize me and make the rest of my day more productive. And I'm going to have regular errand time and house-project time each week while the kids are at school as well. I'm going to have specific Power of Moms "office hours" and whatever can't get done during my "office hours"will just have to wait. I plan to belong entirely to myself for small chunks of every day as I take the time to read, eat, think - stuff that has been crammed into the cracks for too many years. To allow myself more family time and more me-time, I'm going to have to get better at letting projects wait and pushing back deadlines and I'm learning to be much less of a perfectionist. 
• School Involvement: I'm continuing to serve on the board of the parent organization at my kids' school. This means I'll go to one parent meeting a month, offer ideas and help with basic stuff at major school events in a minimal way. I will continue to decline getting involved on committees for events and that sort of thing (I've learned my lesson on that - I was putting in way too many hours at my kids' old school and it was causing too much stress on my family). I'll do a monthly story time in Liza and the twins' classes. I've been doing this for years and my kids LOVE it and I love it. It's so great to know their friends and see how they interact in school. And there's nothing like the huge smiles they get on their faces when I walk into their classrooms. 
• Church work: I have a "calling" to help run our children's program at church. I work with great ladies, enjoy our weekly planning meetings, and love being with my kids every Sunday, teaching some of the lessons, hearing the great comments from the kids, seeing my kids in action, etc. I'm going to plan the lessons I need to give earlier in the week rather than cramming the planning into late Saturday night like I usually do. I'm going to be much better at my visiting teaching (we're all assigned a few other women we're supposed to visit monthly to see how they're doing and give them a little lesson - such a great way to uplift each other and watch out for each other and I feel so great when I get my visits done but I'm a terrible procrastinator a lot of months on this one...)
• Extracurriculars: Eliza's continuing to do a creative dance class at the art center 4 doors down from our house. She LOVES it. It requires no carpooling or driving from me and just an hour a week from her. Isaac and Eliza were doing swim team 3 afternoons a week last year. It was great exercise to get them through the winter and we had a carpool so I was just driving and watching them swim one time a week. But as soon as it got warmer and the kids could play outside and the kids were sick of swimming, we quit. Homework got done better. Life was calmer. I'm not sure if we'll do it again this year. Ashton and Isaac both do scouts one night a week. Ashton also has a youth group meeting one night a week at church. Isaac and Eliza both want to do soccer this year but oops, I didn't look up info on how to sign up until it was too late. I found out Isaac can play on the school team this year so he's happy and that'll likely involve practices right at the end of the school day which is much less invasive to family time than evening practices are. Eliza's OK to wait until spring for soccer. Ashton wanted to do tackle football this fall but we missed the deadline on that. And tackle football scares me a little. Plus I've heard the football around here isn't that great and we've realized that we've wasted way too much of our precious time being involved in sports teams that weren't stellar. I'm not going to waste any more of my time or my kids' time participating in sports teams that are poorly organized and poorly coached. It's just not worth it. Once hearing that football was out, Ashton got excited about playing with Isaac on the school soccer team. The twins just do their small amount of homework and build forts in the backyard and read and play with the neighbor's dog plus I do special reading time with them most days. I love having them around and don't think they need much as far as extracurricular activities. They did basketball on a fun little team right up the street last year and want to do the same this year for a nice short basketball season.
• Cooking: I'm going to keep prioritizing cooking time because I really believe in good food for my family and I like to cook on my own and with my kids. Some of that cooking takes place while the kids are at school but mostly I like to have a "chef of the day" and have one of the kids help me make dinner - great one-on-one time together and they learn important things.
• Individuals and Relationships: I'm going to make more time for the "trees" this year and focus less on the "forest." I'm going to focus more on individuals who need help and relationships that are fun and mutually beneficial rather than devoting such a huge percentage of my time to the "forest" of moms involved in Power of Moms.

My big goal this year is keeping my priorities in order and making sure that how I spend my day-to-day time better matches what matters most to me. I know I'll continue to struggle with drawing boundaries around my POM work and being fully present with my kids when I have so many other things on my mind. But as I look back at several near-misses with nervous breakdowns last year as I tried to survive with no down time, and think about how precious my time is with my kids who are growing so fast and with my good husband who never asks for much and ends up getting neglected, I know I must focus on slowing things down, spreading things out, being prepared and enjoying this beautiful life I've been blessed with.